Saturday, December 11

Love is?

I have been reading a lot of Pablo Neruda's poetry lately.
And I gotta say... If love could be quantified into just poetry, it would be this man's genius.

Wiki this man.

Enjoy one poem below.
--

THE QUEEN

by Pablo Neruda


I have named you queen.
There are taller than you, taller.
There are purer than you, purer.
There are lovelier than you, lovelier.
But you are the queen.

When you go through the streets
No one recognizes you.
No one sees your crystal crown, no one looks
At the carpet of red gold
That you tread as you pass,
The nonexistent carpet.

And when you appear
All the rivers sound
In my body, bells
Shake the sky,
And a hymn fills the world.

Only you and I,
Only you and I, my love,
Listen to me.

----

Yo te he nombrado reina.
Hay más altas que tú, más altas.
Hay más puras que tú, más puras.
Hay más bellas que tú, hay más bellas.
Pero tú eres la reina.

Cuando vas por las calles
nadie te reconoce.
Nadie ve tu corona de cristal, nadie mira
la alfombra de oro rojo
que pisas donde pasas,
la alfombra que no existe.

Y cuando asomas
suenan todos los ríos
en mi cuerpo, sacuden
el cielo las campanas,
y un himno llena el mundo.

Sólo tú y yo,
sólo tú y yo, amor mío,
lo escuchamos.

Wednesday, December 8

Do you speak my language?

Having a daily chat with my good friend, JS, I think we found a way of describing what we want from men.

MEN.
Are you reading this?
We want you to speak
our language.

Lesson:
Each woman has her own specific language.

(JS has her own. I have mine. We each do.)
It's not just her native tongue.
(English, Spanish, etc.)

I'm talking about... you gotta translate my specific form of crazy.
And make it fluent.

You gotta take all that PMS and morning talk and whatever it is that I like versus what I hate and make ALL OF THAT SH*T into a freakin' symphony.


Become my male Annie Sullivan.
I personally think that everything I say makes total and utter sense.
This is obviously not the case.

Otherwise, I would be G-D or the President or what have you.
I realize that I am not any of those things.

BUT... I deserve you to at least try to understand what I want versus what I need.

AND PUH-LEASE.......
Don't tell me that because you're a dude that you don't speak my language and that you never will.

DUDE! If I like you... I can tell you NOW that I try my best to understand you.
To put myself in your shoes.
To listen to your gripes and B.S.
And try to give you the honest, nice, loyal answer in my lexicon, boo-boo.

But I highly doubt that you do the same for me.


I've had 2 triflin' MEN in the past 2 months think that they understand me.
And believe me... I'm being modest. I'm HOT shit, but my vag ain't made of gold. Ya dig?

But the problem is... I understand these men's languages.
I figured them out, and frankly, both of them kept translating to:

P-E-N-I-S-I-N-P-U-S-S-Y-T-O-D-A-Y-?-!-?

I am sick of those smoke signals. They only lead to more fire, and other problems.

For the man out there that does want to get to know me...
GROW SOME BALLS. And BECOME A GENTLEMAN.
Trust me, that's the 1st page in the Fluency book, free of charge.

~Feisty Actress

GRANDMA vs. YOUR EGO

THE FIGHT IS ON.
ding. ding. ding.

In this corner:
the champion, THE GRANDMA.
  • doesn't support your career choice.
  • thought that you were a lesbian... and probably still thinks it... because you don't have a boyfriend or husband.
  • has friends that call you a HEATHEN, because you don't go to church.
  • uses your other family members to guilt trip you into calling her.
  • after you've called her, she just wants to tell you that she's lonely... despite there being 5 or more people over her house keeping her company.
In this corner:
the challenger, YOU & YOUR EGO.
  • confidently devoted to your career and life choices.
  • loving, caring individual, who calls their parents & siblings whenever they can.
  • goes to visit your grandmother, which is almost every other week, only to be ignored once you get there.
  • doesn't like to be called names or pushed into awkward situations by nosy old ladies.
  • supportive human to most of the family decisions and personal cheerleader of the general well being of the family as a whole.
Granted. No person is a saint.
I certainly am not one.
I cuss. I love violence (in films). I lie (sometimes). I have cheated (on a test).

And believe me, I love my grandmas.
(I still have both of them. Mother's side and Father's side.)

But sometimes... and you all know those times...

all you wanna do is SHAKE A GRANNY!

I get it. They're old. They're obstinate.
But they're not the only ones with feelings.
Respect your elders, and all that mess.
But OUFFF! Old people can be wrong too.

Does your grandma or grandpa drive you nuts?

NO HELP???

singin' to myself... singin' to myself...
T.I. song...
singin' to myself...



Hello, attractive Black gentleman!!!

How are you doing? Yeah... it is cold.

Yes, as you can see, I am lugging a lot of stuff from TARGET to my apartment.
No, you may NOT have my phone number. But thanks for asking....

Huh?? Why are you cussin' at me now??

OH HELL NO!
NEGRO!!!!
WHY ARE YOU NOT ASKING TO HELP ME OUT??????
I would be more inclined to give you my phone number if you were to hold a bag or 2 or 3 or 4. Can't you see that I'm in need of assistance??

I looked fine enough for you before I said NO! to your phone number question. Maybe if you did something that deserved compensation, I'd give you something.

Every dog gets a treat for a trick.

UGH!

Sunday, November 14

The First Lady!!!

Helen Hayes!!!!!
Wiki this wench.

Did you read it? Did you?
Yes, she was given the title:
"The First Lady of the American Theatre"
And you wonder why?
I also wonder the same... but I can along attest to what I've researched on her.
This b*tch is interesting!!!!

She started working at age 5.
She stopped acting at age 85.

Can you believe that???
SHE WORKED FOR 80 YEARS!!!!!!!!
I can only hope to be that lucky. But I started acting at a late age. Humph!

"A Farewell to Arms" film.
I am in awe of this movie. I love it. It's one of my favourite old movies.
Helen acted the role of CATHERINE BARKLEY.
Haven't seen it? RENT IT!!!
She's dazzling.

She played the GRAND DUCHESS in one of my other favourite old movies, ANASTASIA.
Ingrid Berman, Yul Brenner, and Helen Hayes.

WATCH THIS SCENE.
Anastasia scene.
If you don't start crying from joy and longing at the end of this scene, you have no heart.

Can it get any better???
YES!!!

This wench won a TONY, an OSCAR, an EMMY and a GRAMMY!!!!
Can you believe that?????
4 AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you name any actors now who can say that they've done that?
MERYL probably could. I <3 you, Meryl.
J.Lo wishes... I'd keep wishing if I were her...

Again... I ask you... Can it get any better?
HELL YES!!!

This lady has her own damn theatre in NYC!!!
"...in 1955... the former Fulton Theatre on 46th Street in New York City's Broadway theater district was renamed the Helen Hayes Theatre. When that venue was torn down in 1982 (along with five other neighboring theaters), the operators of the Little Theatre, another standing theater two blocks away on 44th Street, renamed that house in her name, which it has retained ever since." *wiki note.

I just love this quote of hers:
"If you rest, you rust."
She was 60 when she said it.
I agree, Helen.
I agree!

Tuesday, November 9

Why. Don't. You. Do. Your. Job???

YO! 3rd construction dude.
You need to let go of my hand.
Our handshake is done. It was nice to meet you, but NOT that nice.
No really... I have a knife in my other hand.
Thanks.

YO! 3rd construction dude.
You need to stop commenting on the pictures that I have in my apartment of my friends and family. You should be looking at my floors. They're the ones that need your attention, aka it's your job to look at them.

YO! 3rd construction dude.
You need to not be talking to me as I do work in my living room.
Aren't you supposed to be doing something?
You construct. I stay out of your way. That's the deal. Got it? Good.

YO! 3rd construction dude.

Yes, I've seen that you have a Gold tooth on your left lateral incisor.
Do I want to see it again? NO!
STOP SMILING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not being nice to you. I'm being civil. There's a difference.

YO! 3rd construction dude.
Your other 2 compatriots leave me the hell alone.
Why? Because they know better.
Why don't you?

YO! 3rd construction dude.
NO! I will not give you my phone number.
Yes, I can see that you're holding one of my business cards in your hand.
Give it back and don't touch my stuff again. You were probably gonna steal one anyway and leave me dirty voicemails, but since you asked.. again, my answer is still NO.
Why don't I want to give it to you?
Must I stab you further with my glares?
I wish that medieval devices of torture would spurt from eyes whenever you speak.

YO! 3rd construction dude.

Don't come up to me after you've seen my guest room and ask me if I have a kid.
NO! You nosy bastard. I don't.
But if I did... I wouldn't let him/her near you.

YO! 3rd construction dude.

I really don't want you to come back with your boss to finish the last bit of work.
Your ship has sailed and I never want it to come back.

Sunday, October 17

I AM THE VICTORIAN AGE, B*TCH!

I cannot get enough of this woman.
Who? Who is this FEISTY B*TCH!!!????
EMILY BLUNT.
Seriously... wiki this wench.

This woman has a lot of things that I want.


Though... believe me, it's not John Krasinski.

(He's really dopey looking. But she seems to like him.)


She was the only person who made this movie worth watching.
And believe me, that's saying a lot, because this movie made me FALL ASLEEP 4 times, and it's not even that long.

Sir Anthony couldn't save this movie with his British accent even if he had tried. Which... I don't think he did. Try that is.

But you should see the movie for her mini little appearance. She has a way of being strong in a period piece that is quite extraordinary. She's not a victim, and yet she was enticing prey to a totally miscast BENICIO DEL TORO. Who I love...
But not in that film.
-----

Must I tell you how much I am in love with the UK Royal families and their lives?

Must I remind you how much I love the people who play their matriarchs?


My friend, J9 and I, watched the movie, THE YOUNG VICTORIA, for the first time about a month ago, and all we did was stop and start the movie so we could wiki this shit.

Though THIS WENCH is definitely prettier than the actual QUEEN, she holds her own, and makes the movie a delight to watch.

---

Please Please Please tell me that you watched THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA to get your MERYL fix... or to prolong your love of STANLEY TUCCI... or to even get some eye candy out of SIMON, ADRIAN or DANIEL...


OR to see EMILY BLUNT's brilliant performance.

But not my nemesis.
If you don't know... I have words for her. But yeah...

Best b*tchy assistant ever!
I know she didn't write her lines, but she says them perfectly.

---

And she's also worked with another nemesis of mine in a movie that is actually quite entertaining...

Have you seen the movie: SUNSHINE CLEANING??
Her character is the only one I care about.
Why?
You should see it.
Why haven't you?

But as I list her movies, I realize that the reasons why I like her...

1. She's my age.
2. She's extremely talented.

That's it.
Those two things are extremely rare.

I find that I'm more inclined to be harsh on young actresses, because most of the time they're "famous" because they're skinny.... because they're hot... because they screwed someone... because they sold their souls...

but have nothing else to back it up.


This FEISTY HO backs it all up. All of it.
Don't believe me?
WATCH HER YO' SELF.



I'm BACK!

I'm taking this BLOG to a new stage, Bi@tches!I truly apologize for my lack of writing.
I have no excuse.

~

Apart from being sick...

getting in a show...

finishing the show...

rehearsing for the opera...

finishing the opera fall's season...

getting into full blown rehearsal for my other show...


ANYWAY... there is no excuse.
So what is the ante now that it has been upped?

I'm gonna write until you get sick of me.
Write write write.

I dare you to get sick of me.

I dare you.

Wednesday, September 1

Being LATE...

Ok... For those who don't know me, I am timely.

By timely, I mean... I am always on time.

Usually, that means that I'm early by 10 minutes to half an hour.

I have actually been known to get to a destination an hour before so that I can arrive sheepishly at the appointed moment to say that I got there just then.

But here me fellow blog-ites... blog-people... blog-whosamawhatsits...

The other day I was late by a few minutes to my own rehearsal.
<>

This is ridiculously AWFUL!!!!


If I were my director, I would've been shooting darts of HORRIBLE into my feet for not having gotten me there faster.

I went home after rehearsal admonishing myself for having done this.
But half way home, I thought about how many people come LATE and don't even care.

YOU!




YEAH... YOU!

Stop sleeping late.
Stop painting your nails.
Stop having sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
If you need to be somewhere... GET THERE.


Why??


Someone like me is probably waiting for you to arrive.


Next time...

Especially you people who are having sex...

I'll show you late.



Friday, August 13

A Letter to a Peeping Tom


Dear Mr. Tom;

Hello there! Though I do not actually know your name, let me introduce myself: My name is FEISTY ACTRESS. I live in the ground floor apartment of a brownstone building on 119th street. My bedroom window faces my backyard, which is separated from your building, coincidentally, with a fence. You seem to have the window on the 2nd floor of your building on the extreme left corner. Usually when I look out of my window at my backyard, I see your window. Usually a teddy bear sits at the window, smiling through his sewn face that the day will be sunny and bright, which it usually is.


At night, however, that teddy takes on a new shape.

OH! It's you!

HA! you scared me.

All of the lights in your apartment are off except for one odd blue light like in the David Lynch film, BLUE VELVET.

I had no idea that you liked to sit at your window.

WOW! You must love to look at the night environment.

OH! Look! You have binoculars. And you do not seem to be looking at the sky. Hmmm...

Though I am just sitting at my desk typing on my computer emails of no significant importance, you seem to want to take an interest in what I'm doing in my apartment, because you are looking straight at me.

WEIRD.

OH! Look your right hand seems to be moving in a very jerky motion.

Hmmm....

WAIT! Are you doing what I think you're doing?

OH MY! Well... that just won't do.

MOTHERF*CKER! I gotchu.

Yes, I took a picture of your window during the day.

And don't think I won't take a flash photo of you in the window tonight if I catchu again.

You wanna pop your socks off??? I'm flattered.... really...

But I am not CHEAP entertainment. They have websites for that.

That's really all I had to say. Have a great day!!

And have a good night... see you later?

Sincerely, and most fondly,

Feisty Actress

Monday, July 19

RUN FO' YO' LIVES!!!!

It's the TUMBLE WEAVE!!!!!!!!


Holy sh*t, people!
I walked out of my apartment to check my mail...
This is what I see walking down the street with me.
I was so scared that I actually screamed.
I thought it was an animal with rabies, coming to attack me!


LADIES...
As one of the few African American women who has natural hair, I feel I bit sheepish in asking...

Why do you put that sh*t in yo hay-ya (aka hair)??
Especially in the summer!?


Don't you feel like you're putting a sweater on your head?
It's hot outside. At least 89 degrees.
There's hardly any breeze, and yet you all are walking down the streets with Rapunzel manes.

Even when I did put the creamy CRACK on my head, I didn't put a weave in it.
I was never unbe-WEAVE-able. I didn't see the point.

What is the obsession???

Hair grows. You want long hair? Let it grow. Take some vitamins.
You want straight hair? Get a straightener and work it out.

I just watched Chris Rock's documentary, "GOOD HAIR".
And I don't know how I felt about it. BUT... I do know that after finding out how much a weave costs that I would rather put a down payment on a car than on some fake hair that could be rollin' down the street next to me.

Do not follow in the footsteps of the QUEEN of WEAVE.

Monday, June 7

JUNE's Feisty Actress

There are few people that if I met them I might actually go SPEECHLESS, but this Bitch is one.

This photo is from the OLD VIC, which will have specific importance later.


Juliet, in Romeo & Juliet.

Can you not already see that this woman
had a lot to give??


Check out that PLUNGING neckline!!!!!!!!


She loves to show the
jubblies at any age.
(A woman after my own heart. SHOW YO' ASSETS, GIRL!)


This CLEOPATRA has some obvious moxy and brains.
Far more than this not-so-obvious HOT MESS.



Fine... no more beating around the bush!


DAME JUDI DENCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you handle it?
Look at that mischievous smile.
She could be cold or ready to flash you.


Wiki her, motherf*ckers!

The woman is absolutely brilliant.

Like... WOAH, bitches!!

I would kill to have the career she's had, and is still having.
She's older than DIRT, for Pete's Sake.
And DAMN, she looks good!
She must be part Black, because the woman's face may have wrinkles, but she doesn't look like the CRYPT KEEPER, aka Kate Bosworth.

As I mentioned in an earlier post... Have you seen this movie??

TODAY WAS A GOLD STAR DAY!

Believe me, you need to see it.
It has two of my favourite people. This month's FEISTY ACTRESS, and Queen Elizabeth I. No, sorry, Dame Judi... I know you've played the part too. And you got an Oscar to prove it. (Bitch!) Don't you think you've had enough accolades for today????


Where would JAMES BOND be without her?

Not you, hairy! Mmm.. yeah... you, blue eyes.

Wouldn't everyone like to yell at Keira Knightley in a fabulous wig??

And dance in a horrible brown wig with Daniel Day Lewis in the worst movie make of a musical??


Bitch! We need to talk. I wanna be you.

Catch up with me...

Hello bitches!
I've been gone for a LONG time.

I don't apologize because I've actually had stuff to do.

Here's a BUS. GET ON IT.

Let me take you through what's been going on (in my brain)...

MANY POSTS to come.

Are you ready?

I think you are.

Thursday, April 8

Here's Looking at You, Kid.


INGRID BERGMAN.

Look at this Swede.

Wiki her, b*tches.

She acted in great movies. Created huge scandals with married directors.
Made comebacks. And never plucked her eyebrows to suit what Hollywood wanted for her.

"I had no guarantee they would grow back...
And I was attached to them, and they were attached to me."
~Ingrid, to biographer


Let me first say that: I have realized that as I get older, movies about Nazis and the Resistance make me cry.

Get it together, Feisty Actress!
UGH!! I know.


But I love this movie.

Don't know it?

MoFo(s), CASABLANCA is the epitome of awesome. I have it on VHS and DVD.

She makes this movie work.

If she wasn't who she was...
Humphrey would've been talking to a wall. She made his acting look natural. And that's not a slight to Humphrey, but let's face it, he had a way of talking and he didn't like switching it up. She made everything seem effortless.

Also... there have been few films where I wanted someone else to get with Cary Grant, more than me.

(i'm a jealous one. ha!)



But have you seen NOTORIOUS ?

B*tch, please!

There is so much great acting in it. It makes my brain hurt with awesomeness.

Nazis.
Spies.
Good looking men.
And this Feisty b*tch.


She's played great parts.
Joan of Arc
.
Anastasia (not the Warner Bros. version).
Maria in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

She won 3 OSCARS.

Say WHAT?

YEP! THREE.

And 2 Emmy Awards. One was given to her posthumously.

Look look up her films, and watch them with the sound off.

A great teacher told me to watch some films on MUTE and by doing so, I would be watching how great actors create their roles not just with words, but with their bodies.

This b*tch did it. And then some.

Wednesday, April 7

Loogies? Venom? Or Marking Territory?

FYI.For the faint at heart, this post will be gross.
But if you are one of those people, why are you reading my blog?

For the longest time, I have tried to understand the need to SPIT.

When I was a smoker (9 months clean), I felt that sometimes there was a taste in my mouth that had to be eliminated. And sometimes if I accumulated enough liquid in my mouth and expelled that liquid, the taste would go away.

Nictotine + tar = Bad taste in mouth
Need to get rid of bad taste = Need to spit
It makes sense. I get it. And I sympathize, to a degree.
But LET ME TELL YOU, people:
I have maybe spat on the ground in public 3 times in my entire life.
1 of those times was actually vomitting.
So I don't know if it counts.
Excessive drinking = Loopy Feisty Actress losing her glasses = VOMITTING

It's not pretty.

The other 2 times, I might have been too far from a bathroom
to get rid of whatever I had in a more polite fashion.
But.... Hocking a loogie and spitting it out?

NASTY!

Here is a clear example:

Yesterday, as I was sitting on my stoop in front of my apartment, I saw a horrendous sight.
A big, hairy, excessively sweaty monster, aka a man, was walking down my block, hmming and humming and hawwing and coughing.... At the same time, a beautiful black woman looking like she just stepped out of an Ebony Magazine was walking up the street (in the opposite direction of the man) and was looking like she was late for a very important date.

And then... yes, the most disgusting thing actually happened.

As the monster hocked up his mucus-spit combination in his mouth and exploded it from the cavity which looked like his mouth, I YELLED or Half-Screamed: "OH NO!".


HIS SPIT HIT THE POOR BLACK LADY!!!!!


Oh.... she cussed him out something fierce. It was brilliant.
But I felt bad for her. She had his SPIT on her shirt. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would've beaten the hell out of him.


But then, she kept screaming: GIVE ME $50!!!
And he kept saying: WHY?
Her: Because you spat on my shirt, and it cost me $50.
Him: WHY?
Her: Do you NOT get it? You need to give me $50.
Him: WHY?
Her: (to me) Can you believe this sh*t??

And after much back and forth, the man seemed to give her whatever was in his pocket, and she looked like she was going to go wherever she was off to in the first place.

(Personally.... I would've taken the money and gone home. I ain't going anywhere with SPIT on me. HELL NO!)
Are you a camel? Are you a poisonous spitting snake?
Or are you simply warning other men to not step on your particular street?
NO!
For every person on the street who I have seen spit,
and it is MOSTLY men,
you all should give me $50.

That would stop people.

Or... move to Singapore! They love it there.

Tuesday, March 30

Waiting to be seen at an audition??

No matter where you are... No matter how old you are...
No matter what sex you are... No matter how good you think you are...

AUDITIONS are STRESSFUL.

They're all the same.
Dance auditions... Acting auditions... Singing auditions...

The same things pop up:

Are you prepared enough?
Actually...Are you more prepared that the other people?
Are you relaxed? Are you appropriately dressed?
Do you need to pee? How long do you have to wait?
Which piece am I doing today?

Here are the TOP 5 THINGS
that
BUG the HELL out of me while waiting to be seen:

#5 Actors who mouth their sides outloud or ACT out their entire SIDE silently.


I get it people! We all want to do well.
You need to know the words.

Did you have those sides before you got here?

Yes, You did?
THEN, YOU SHOULD'VE PRACTICED AT HOME.
It may be a COLD read. But unless you're an iceberg, you have no excuse.

The other scenario...No, You didn't?
Hunny! Don't show me your cards before
the final flop.
I'm watching you plan out your entire strategy, and I'm coming up with a defense attack. Or I'm realizing that my route may be far more relaxed and better than yours.

#4 Dancers who stretch their bodies to 180 degrees or more.


If you can put your leg behind your head and shake hands with the President of Italy, then... good for you, Flexi!

But I DON'T CARE.

In fact.... you should be warm. The hallway is not going to make you any more stretched than you were 10 minutes ago on the D train trying to get there.

Is this some weird JEDI mind trick??
If you show me how flexible you are, I will get so flustered because I cannot do that, that I just leave?


NOPE, b*tch! I'm stickin' it out.

And besides.... that you can twist in a pretzel shows me that you have no spine, you GUMBY FREAK!

#3 Singers who do their full scales and lip exercises and octaves.

Maaaaahhhh----

OoooOooooOooooo


Meeee Mayyyy Myyyyyy Mooohhhh Muuuuuuu

BbbbBah
TttTtah
PppppPpah

OH SHUT THE F*CK UP!

We all get it.
You are about to sing.
Your voice is an instrument.
You take care of it like you would a Baby Bird.

Now let the rest of us focus.
Or I'll cut off the head of your baby bird with the pen that I used to sign in.


#2 Are you really putting on an extra layer of makeup/perfume or cologne right now? or EVEN WORSE Is that a falafel or some other SMELLY food you are eating right now?

AHHH!!!!This is my breathing space too.
The last thing I want to smell is EAU de YOU!
And I think that the last thing the auditioner wants is for everyone to come in smelling of ANYTHING.

ESPECIALLY if it's something horrid.


Don't get me wrong. I love FALAFEL. I do.
But I don't want to smell of it when I'm going in for an audition to be a [young professional whose boyfriend is cheating on her with her best friend who happens to be a man]. The last thing on my mind is "Mmm Chick Peas."


And for all you makeup women..........
If you have to apply your entire face once you've gotten to the audition, maybe you want to get some plastic surgery to fix whatever you got going on there.

NO OFFENSE!

But if you need THAT much help... why even leave the house?
I'm not saying that you're ugly.
I'm saying that your self esteem should've been at 100% before you got to TENSE CENTRAL (i.e. the audition), because it only gets worse as more people show up.



And finally........

#1 DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES, WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW, etc.
In fact... DON'T TALK AT ALL.

As you probably guessed earlier... I have a keen sense of smell.

And the thing is...

I can smell your bullshit.
And the smell is emanating from your mouth as you speak.
Stop puffing yourself up!
You smell to high heaven.

That is not an exaggeration.

When people talk about themselves before an audition:

"Well... I just finished this... I just did that... This director loved me... The last time I auditioned for this casting director, she said she liked my energy..."

ALL I hear is:

"BULLSH*T.... BULLSH*T... Can you smell it? Because I'm perfuming it with some more BULLSH*T."


Show me whatchu got, assw*pe!

Other people are trying to focus, including me. We don't want to hear about you.



----
Well...
those are my top
5.
What are yours?

Are you really THAT big?

MEN!
This post is for you.

Is your peen really that huge
that you need to keep your legs open
as wide as they can possibly be on the train?




No really! I want to know.
Here is a ruler.
I want to know how much you got.

Because I don't even think it's a matter of size.
I have figured it out:

YOU ARE JUST RUDE.


It's like all men have been taking SUMO wrestling lessons.

They have to get the optimum squat in order to take up as much space as possible.

Because what would happen if you did let me sit next to you?

You'd get a STIFFY that would make baby carrots jealous??


I mean.... Really???

THE TRAIN IS CROWDED.

My 5'1" self is smushed in the armpit of some Frenchman who refuses to wear deodorant who is with his mean faced, red lipstick wearing girlfriend, speaking French like I don't understand it (but I do) about how the NYC subway system is disgusting.

I would be able to sit, but the man in front of me has his legs open to the point that if he did have a VAG, i'd be able to see all the way up to his esophagus.

And WHY....

WHY are you reading the newspaper completely spread out like you're at the kitchen table??


THIS AIN'T YO HOUSE!

Display your masculinity somewhere else.
I just need to rest my feet.
Ta-Ding!

Friday, March 19

As I DO NOT LIKE it.

People.... I have been busy.

I thought,
by not having a job anymore,
I would have lots of time to laze about and write
and think about nonsense.

NOPE. I was WRONG!
Updates:

Took a Patsy Rodenburg Voice class.
If you're an actor/actress with a brain in your head, you need to take it.
Stop making excuses.
Start saving the money for it.
Do it.
Go.

NOW.
This British woman has spunk. I like that.


Saw a bunch of plays/musicals:
AS YOU LIKE IT and THE TEMPEST at BAM with the Bridge Project.
HAMLET, that my friend Jon, was in.
NEXT TO NORMAL.
-------
Let me talk about NEXT TO NORMAL, first.
What is it about this show that makes people cry?
Is it because I'm not Caucasian?
Is it because I believe that singing through ALL of your emotions is tiring for me to watch?
PROBABLY!
There were people who gave it a STANDING O.
Really?????????????????

I have seen better musical acting and singing in my M.F.A. 3rd year Voice Class with people who claimed that they couldn't sing, but had beautiful voices and the need to tell a story.
HUMPH!

NEXT........

Hilarity should SLAP Sam Mendes on the bum.
No only were his two directorial BAM plays, BORING....But they were NOT funny.
There is no prescribed notion that either of those plays have to be hilarious or a barrel of laughs.
But they are comedies. And I did not find a single joke in there funny or amusing or at least enough to make me chuckle.
I was BORED to TEARS.At one point, I leaned on my friend's shoulder in the middle of the TEMPEST and said:
"There is no intermission. UGH!"
THAT IS A BAD SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Futhermore... when I am thinking about all the stuff that I have to do tomorrow instead of what's going on within the stage performance in front of me, because you're taking forever to say one line of text, THAT is a PROBLEM.

Too much thinking = an angry audience member
an angry audience member = me

Hahaha... did you miss me, people?
More to come...

Good scene for you.
A REALLY BAD BAD SCENE of a SHAKESPEARE ADAPTATION.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Tada.

Tuesday, February 23

Feisty BLACK Actress Month: Week 3

Excuse me, but if you don't know who this woman is, you shouldn't even be spoken to.
You should just be ashamed.
Live out life as a hermit.
And die alone.


BUTTERFLY MCQUEEN.

yes, check out that name again.

Fine, I'll be nice. (For once...)
Wiki. her.

I can't even describe this woman fully because my whole body fills up with emotion.


She is best known for her role as PRISSY in "Gone with The Wind".

And even better known for saying the famous line:
"I KNOWS NUTTIN' BOUT BIRTHIN' BABIES, MISS SCARLETT."

which lead to the slap heard throughout the whole south.
O wait! That was slavery.

Reasons why this Feisty Actress loves Ms. McQueen:
1. I love Gone with the Wind.
2. She used to be a dancer with Katherine Dunham.
(Don't know who Katherine Dunham is?? HOLY CRAP!
You and Wiki should just become good friends.)

3. She never married.
4. She never had children.
(Sounds like MY kind of woman.)
5. When she died, she donated her body to medical science.
GANGSTA!!!

Check out her filmography. Bitch was in a lot of movies and TV shows. If you think about it, she was probably in movies you cherished.
OMG! She was in Mildred Pierce with another favourite of mine.
And my favourite made for TV movie: POLLY.

SEE it. It's her last performance.

Butterfly, bitch, you played a stereotype.
But you definitely were NOT one.
Hats off to you, bitch.

Feisty BLACK Actress Month: Week 2 (Catch up!!!)


Look at that Black family.
Eating.
Happiness.






O wait a minute!
Look at that Black family again.
There's some serious female strength emanating from the central figure with the beads....


ALFRE WOODARD, BITCHES!!!!!

Wiki her, fools.

She's a powerhouse of Black woman-ness, and needs to be recognized.
That black family photo comes from
a Spike Lee joint:

CROOKLYN
.
O MY GOD! I love that movie.
Mostly because there's the funniest quote in it:
"Shut up, you evil, flat-chested wench."

Bitch also got an Emmy for her work on
the TV show:
The Practice.
Did you watch it?
I know I didn't. But my parents loved that show, damn it!
And I gotta give them props for picking a show with some talented people, especially this bitch.

I also like her because she's around my mom's age,
and she's always showin' off her 2 best assets.

HOLY MACARONI, bitch!

I want that WIG.

OMG! If you have the backbone to laugh yourself silly and get a few naps during the day, please please please see:
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS .

It was a TV series for NBC.

But aside from that, Alfre played a great character:
Queen of Brobdingnag.

The name of the character should say it all.
AWESOME.

I mean... how many Black actresses get to wear Victorian costume and wigs and pull it off like we were meant to be royalty in that time?



What does Ms. Woodard have in common with my Week 1 Feisty Black actress??



LAURENCE FISHBOURNE, bitches.

He was in MISS EVERS' BOYS with Alfre.

Check this movie out.
I can't even tell how this movie/play makes me feel.
Check it out and then you'll find out why.
TUSKEGEE EXPERIMENT, my ass!!!!

THE PLAGUE= AHHHH!!!!!


UGH.



Finally the sick monster hit me.

Damn it, why didn't I get hit by YOU??



Apologies for not writing on this BLOG for so long.




Have you ever sat in your bed and carried a whole conversation with yourself?

And somewhere in the conversation you forget what you were about to say?

And then you think that you shouldn't have forgotten because you were your own audience, but realize that you must've been boring yourself?????


NO?

Well... I was very very very sick.


I'm back, bitches!

Thursday, February 11

O NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!


Let me apologize first:
For those who believe that spanking and hitting children is wrong,
I'm sorry for this post.


This post will definitely offend you.
I would apologize some more, but it just ain't my style.

And sometimes... those little f*ckers need to get what's coming to them.

And here's why.
Let me paint a picture for you....

I am walking home.
Happy.
Just got back from MEGA ORGANIC FOOD LANDIA.
Again, HAPPY.

Somewhere between 2nd and 3rd ave. and 118th street, in NYC...
I feel someone or something is following me.
ODD!
I can't see the shadow.
Maybe I'm just being crazy.
But since I'm a single Black female, I think I'm gonna turn around
just to make sure I don't have to scream out:
I HAVE HERPES.

(to keep rapists away....)
And what do I find?

Exhibit A:

A child with a stick.

This is not the child in question, unfortunately.

And the perpetrator did not have a ball.

All he had was a stick and it was aiming for my head.

Ready to swing away.









O yes. That's exactly what I said.
Stick. Aiming. My head. READY.

So I did what every other SINGLE BLACK FEMALE would do.
I ducked.
Then I GRABBED that little motherf*cker by his big PUFFY coat.
GRABBED THE STICK.
YELLED lots and lots of curse words at him, while he apologized profusely.
THREW him in a mound of snow that was about as tall as I am (5 ft. 1 inch)
And then proceeded to HIT him 2 times in the *ss with his own stick, while he cried.

Was this a bit much?
I ask you.... was it?


Exhibit B:

an ANGRY BLACK WOMAN.

Why are we ANGRY?

Maybe it's because little *ssholes, like Exhibit A, try to hit us upside the head with sticks.

And not a stick from a tree.

A stick that could've rendered me unconscious and probably without my wallet and jewelry.

This child did not know who he was messin' with.

I hope he cried all the way home.

I may be from QUEENS.

But I'll also kick yo *ss!!!


Food for thought.

Tuesday, February 9

Scarlett, I am pleasantly surprised...

There are very few times when I can say that I have actually been surprised.
Today, amazingly, I was.
I mean... (sigh)
GO SEE THIS PLAY.


If you cannot go to see it, because it costs lots of money, then you need to go the bookstore and READ it, because it was a pleasure to see this.

A PLEASURE. Un plaisir.
Truly.
And let me say also that I will admit:

I am usually a hater of Scarlett LIPS Juwannafuckme-ssen.

And I usually want her to stop biting her lips and making that doe eyed face of "HUH? Fuck me?"

BUT... that said...

She was quite good. I was happy to watch her performance, AND happy that I was watching her give herself to something and giving the play. Arthur Miller is probably very happy.

(I can't even begin to talk about Liev. I won't. Go see it. Liev, I heart you.)


And you know what, Scarlett? Instead of HATIN' on you...
I was hatin' on the woman playing: BEATRICE.

JESSICA HECHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

Do you even know??

OMG, people! I WANTED TO SLAP HER.

DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS COMING OUT OF YA MOUTH????
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY YA TALKIN???

Now... any of you who know the end of the play (it ain't happy)... this bitch let out a sound only a MOOSE could make. And why?? Were you fully invested?

UGH!!! Please go see it, and tell me I'm lying. Remind you of an earlier post? It should. UGH!

A MOOSE.

Sh*t! Get away, Bullwinkle!