contra/in- ception?

man #1:

i think ima get that thing where you can't get girls pregnant no more.

man #2:
a condom?

man #1:

nah man! a vasa-

man #2:
pullin' out?

man #1:

nah n-gga! a vassa-tommy.

man #2:
a what?

man #1:

yeah, my n-gga! a vassa-tommy. i can't deal anymore.

man #2:
i heard dat. But why?

man #1:

child support is fuckin' expensive.

man #2:
i gots 3 kids and i'm good. Gotta make that paper, boi!

man #1:

nah dude! You'll see. After #5, your *ss is broke!

FROM THIS STORY DID YOU GET THE FOLLOWING: ???

MAN #1 HAS 5 KIDS.

MAN #2 HAS 3 KIDS.

AND...

When I write MAN #1 and MAN #2, 

I really believe that these "MEN" were around 18 years old.

SCARY.

stop the yelling!!!

black woman with 3 kids:
MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO STOP CUSSIN' IN FRONT OF MY KIDS!!!

white man with glasses:

ummm... but you're cursing in front of them...

black woman with 3 kids:
I'M THEIR MOTHER! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!

indian woman with a kid:

can you stop yelling? and cursing?

black woman with 3 kids:
BITCH-- YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M A GOOD MOTHER.

indian woman with a kid:

no one said you weren't.

black woman with 3 kids:
OH.

(silence)

black woman with 3 kids:
WELL FUCK YA'LL THEN!

WTF?!?!

single life

 QUESTION:
 when did opinions become unsexy?!



 ANSWER:
ha! when hot bimbos have none.

WHY ME?!

Someone stole $1000 from me....

HSBC called me to tell me that they believed some fraudelent charges had occured with my account.

THEY WERE RIGHT!!!!

I would never take out $1000 from my account. 

From a Citibank, no less. Nor down on Canal Street.

What would I need $1000 for on Canal Street?

300 fake Kate Spade bags?

1666 drawing pencils from Pearl Paint?

400 dumplings from Chinatown?

On top of that, I am PO'.
I can't even afford the last two letters.
Why do these butt pirates think it's alright to steal from the PO???
ROBIN HOOD is famous for a reason!
NOT for d*ckin around, dumb*sses!

How do these motherF*ckers do it??
Either they are extremely smart or just LUCKY and either way... I hate them.

But seriously... Why me?

That's all I kept asking the universe.

I take it from the universe's silence that the answer is simply: 

IT HAPPENS TO ALMOST EVERYONE!

GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!

I hope there's a KARMA meter somewhere in the world. 

 Those *ss munchers who did this to me better have it coming to them in the end.

THANKS TO EVERYONE who sent me virtual hugs and love when I was sad.

To keep myself from crying too much about THE MONEY LOSS, 

I will remember this Cee Lo Green classic...

note to penis havers

dear men everywhere,

when i ask you out for a drink... that's all i want.
a drink. the two of us. maybe a conversation?
(or we could be silent and make silly faces.)
things i do not want: babies. blood. marriage.
don't hyperbolize the invite.

sincerely,
a woman who just likes alcohol

Body Pride #2

BOOM, B*TCH!!!!

IN YO FACE!!!

When I was at least 8 years old, my dad taught me how to defend myself against an attacker.

And it definitely involved AN ELBOW to the face.

Honestly... Elbows are some of the oddest things in the world.

And inevitably, I always end up staring at them.

Why??????
They're weird.

They bend.
There's extra skin.
And that extra skin folds up in a nasty, wrinkled, hairless cat sort of way.

When you hit them in just the right spot, it hurts like THE DICKENS.

Btw... what the HELL does that mean: "THE DICKENS"???
Did Charles Dickens do anything to offend anyone so much that when "THE DICKENS" happens, everyone thinks it's the worst thing? What did he do?


But honestly... Miss Havisham probably had some wrinkly elbows.


My mom always told me to not put them on the table when I was eating.
I listened.

As a Black woman, I constantly have to rub lotion on them, so I don't get the ugly GREY ASHY look.

Also, I noticed recently that I tend to wear my long sleeved sweaters rolled up past my elbows. What's that about?? I guess I'm proud of them.

Yeah... ELBOW.
Throwin' them bows, indeed, Luda. Thank you!

1am rhetorical questions

Why do you NOT answer my texts??


WHY is a very hard thing to answer, isn't it?


subquestions:
are they rude?
do they offend you?
do they suggest something to you other than what is written?

if the answer is NO to any or all of the subquestions, then next question is...

...Why do i consider you a friend?

Food for thought.