Tuesday, August 30

HURRY my CANE!


Damn!!! This weekend was boring.
I painted my toes 4 times.
Yes, 4 times!
My 2 grandmothers combined could've caused more HYPE & destruction than this hurricane in NYC.
Mind you... I have North Carolina and the Bahamas in my thoughts. They were slammed and do not wish their fate on NYC.

But...
I do have a few things to say about this whole weeekend.

F. U. Irene.
F. U. MTA for not being gangsta enough! I had places to be.

F.U. Weather.com and Weather Channel in extension.
You scared all of us into a stupor!
F.U. crazy Upper East Siders!!
You all made supermarkets unapproachable with your organic food needs. Seriously?? You need 3 boxes of organic juice during a possible crisis??
F.U. television.
(I don't even have cable, and yet I know that t
here was nothing on TV.)
F.U. everyone who kept saying on Facebook
that we were all gonna die.
Honestly... if we're all gonna die, the last thing I want to read
on my social network is your call of distress.
F.U. Religionists.
(do you want me to go there? 'cuz I will... nah! you don't want it.)

Have a nice day!
~Feisty

Thursday, July 28

Support???

YO, BITCHES!
Please support this show & Sanguine Theatre Company!
(I'm in it. BOOM!)
Even a $1 would be appreciated.
Click this to donate: KICKSTARTER
Thank you so much!!!
Even if you can't donate... come see this show in August.
~Feisty Actress

Tuesday, June 28

Summer Fashion?? Summer Trashin??


OMG! the temperature has reached 70 degrees and more in city.

( insert lackluster display of emotion.)

DUH! this is what happens in the SUMMER.
Get over it!
It gets HOT in NYC and it gets Humid.
Don't like it??
MOVE!

But unlike most years, in Summer 2011 a plethora of species came out of the woodwork
who had been in hiberation, like bears in their dens.

Take out your binoculars, folks!
See if you're standing, sitting, talking to one of these beauties.

The No Bra Beetles
BEHOLD!!!!!!!
You have decided that the heat that 1 piece of clothing offers is TOO much.
You are just gonna rock out with your nips out.
Seriously... your protrusions are distracting and unnecessary
when I'm walking around doing my grocery shopping.
This is not even the FROZEN section!!!!
They are out and about like it's 20 degrees.
Big boobs. Little boobs.
WEAR SOMETHING!!!
I seriously doubt that THAT piece of clothing is making you sweat more.
On top of that, you are FLOPPING around, and not in a cute way.
Don't you want some support?
Even if you have pert and perky boobs, I'm trying to figure out if they're fake or real.
There are far too many inventions in the lingerie world for you to not wear something.

Funky Frumps
Do you not wear DEO for a reason?
Did you forget to reapply 5 hours later?
Have you been rolling around in dirt, stinky cheese, curry and onions?
WTF!!!!!
You are offending my senses.
My eyes are watering from your smell. That's how bad it is.
I can't think.
All I'm thinking about is vomitting or running for my life.
Especially on the train.
HAVE SOME COMMON DECENCY!!
We're all cramped and pushed up on one another and then you gotta stink??
If you are homeless, I get it.
The heat mixed with your lack of water and soap equals stench.
But if you are not a homeless, WHAT is your EXCUSE???
Are you trying to attract a Goblin?

OhHellNaws
Somethings are best left on a magazine or model.
Even Nikki Minaj can't pull off this "outfit" on that cover.
She looks a HOT MESS!
Ladies, if you can't fit into a bandeau... don't wear it.
If you have more rolls than a bakery...
don't put them in some shorts and on the street for all to peruse your wares.
Too much CELLULITE on the street blinds me
from the red and green lights that I should be paying attention to,
so that I don't get hit by a bus.

Attack of the Sockfoot Sandal
why???
WHY???
WHY??????
Are your feet that jacked up, gentlemen?
Got some serious hangnails???
Please STOP doing this!!!!!!
It is not attractive.
Look! I know, I know!
Dior says that socks with heeled sandals are Fashionable now.
But THIS is NOT a Dior look that I'm talkin' about.
Yo Adidas flat sandals and yo Marshalls ankle socks are NOT cool.
And aren't yo feet hot???

train characters - 2 fold.

While sitting on the 6 train, I have realized that there are many interesting people on this train. I used to complain about UPPER EAST SIDE people being too bougy for even me.

But then I saw this. ----------------->
please note my sneaky photo skills. i'm getting better with practice.


BROTHA!! Really???
What's up with the bike jammed between yo legs??

Is it yours?

It's a bit small, yes?

And... wait... what is that on your right???
Those of you who are staring at the photo can probably notice the little head on the lower left.....

GIRL!!!

Are you that tired???

I guess so!

Cuz you are KNOCKED the F out.

The homeless man who screams really loudly about needed a warm dinner for his 4 children came and went.

The horrible saxophone player came on and played "The Saints Come Marching In".

And 2 groups of girls talking about how "brothas be trippin' and sweatin' my @ss" got on and off circa 103rd street.

And you did NOT wake up.

And let's talk about the obvious litter on the floor in front of your sleeping body??
Could your dad, who I assume is the person who you're sleeping near, not pick up that piece of trash because of your bike between his legs? Or just pure laziness prevented him or YOU from doing basic duties as a person in this city??

ALSO.... you are taking up at least 3 people's seats!!!!!!!!
That's just RUDE.

UGH UGH UGH!!!


Friday, May 27

Aren't you hot??


Ladies and Gentlemen,

The MTA gods say: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.
Look at exhibit A in the picture above.

Let's talk about FASHION.

Let's talk about how it's been 80 degrees for the past 2 days.

Let's talk about how the 6 train may be air conditioned
but I've never seen so many people stay away from sitting next to one person.

Let's talk about who framed Roger Rabbit.

Enough said.

~Feisty

Thursday, April 21

Can you hear yourself???


NO REALLY!?!?!

Can you hear yourself??

I only ask you because I can't hear you at all.

No really, I can't.

Who am I?

Hello! I'm your audience.

Yes, seat 14D. (waving & smiles)

Yes, yes. Nice to meet you.

I've paid at least $15 to see you... sometimes even $120, if I felt like a "baller".

So with that in mind, I am also wondering a few things:

1. Do you know that your vocal power range is as powerful as a limp dick?

2. Why did I come to this play if I can't hear a damn thing?

3. Perhaps I should've gone to the ballet.

4. Why are you an actor if your goal in the production is to be as useless as a wet mop in a river?

5. Do you realize that your intentions seem just as weak as your words?

6. How am I to believe you if I can't hear you?

7. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does anyone give a sh*t?


God!!! it's so infuriating to go to a play or be a part of one, and NOT hear a word an actor says.
The playwright wrote words, not emotional states to be posed alongside the harpsichord.

Get a vocal coach.
Get a shrink.
Get a grip.
And get on with it.

I don't care about your ego. Say the effin' words!!! They were written to be heard.

BTW... being casual as an actor is just as lazy as the missionary position.
I'd rather be slapped by a parrot.
At least he'd say "POLLY WANNA A SLAP!" with some gusto.

Tttah...dddah...ppppah...bbbbah... ffffa..uck you for not doing this sooner.

Wednesday, April 20

Birthday Rap: Christiana edition!

<prologue>
hey mista mista, whatchu doin' there?
wanna create a rise with what's left of yo hair?
wanna make yo body scream: "More sugar, please?"
Wanna make tall ass giraffes go weak in the knees?
call my name out in ya sleep!
i ain't no Bo Peep, dumb sheep!


Chris-Ti-ana!
Chris-Ti-ana!
Whatcha gonna do wit yo birthday CAKE?
Chris-Ti-ana!
Christ-Ti-ana!
Rub it on yo face and charm a fucking snake!


Yo bitch! Wanna try to harmonize on top of dis? (dis dis dis)
Don't think so, cuz I got the pipes that make me "Da shit!" (Hell yeah)
that's right, Texan Amazonian Diva of the opera world
dancing round yo diaphragm, with these hips, bout to do a swirl (swirl)
you think you got what it takes?
(yeah)
well then step up to the plate.
(oh!)
What? You gonna be a flake! (Huh?)
You better up the stakes!

Chris-Ti-ana!
Chris-Ti-ana!
Whatcha gonna do wit yo birthday CAKE?
Chris-Ti-ana!
Christ-Ti-ana!
Rub it on yo face and charm a fucking snake!


Laura Bell Bundy!
Can you belt this, Bitch?
Maria fucking Callas!
No, you ain't the Shit!
Pavarotti, Bad Cannoli!
Can you go that high?
Can you reach the skies?
If you do, you die!

Chris-Ti-ana! (yes)
Chris-Ti-ana! (what?)
Whatcha gonna do wit yo birthday CAKE? (eat it)
Chris-Ti-ana! (what?)
Christ-Ti-ana! (yeah)
Rub it on yo face and charm a fucking snake! (hiss.....)

hiss..........

hiss Hiss. hiss...
hiss Hiss. hiss...
hiss Hiss. hiss..

WHAT?!?!

--the end--


Wednesday, April 13

Crossing The Street: A tale told through sensory observations and actions


(singing to myself: Adele song- Daydreamer... loudly singing to myself...)

(walking across 2nd ave. on 118th street...swagger in my step...)

(sounds of children yelling to each other behind me...)

(shrug)
(still walking across 2nd ave. on 118th street, almost at the sidewalk...)

(VERY NEAR and LOUD sounds of children yelling to each other...)

(Children running past me...)

(2 male/female children knocking me with shoulders as they pass...)

(falling down sequence from the HARD knock: left knee, hands, butt)
(sounds of children yelling to each other in front of me... not turning around to see the damage or to say "sorry"...)

(hard cement bump on butt pain, while in the right lane of 2nd ave...)

(walking to sidewalk, rubbing bum...)

(man in car in right lane of 2nd ave.: "Are you alright?! Do you need anything?!"

(ignoring the man...)
(pulling up leggings to assess damage done to knee...)

(profuse amounts of blood streaming down leg... instantly feeling copious amounts of knee pain...)

(put legging pant leg down... walk/limp away from scene of the crime/assault...)

(singing to myself: Jay-Z song- I got 99 problems...)

Wednesday, March 23

Birthday Song for a Friend

<Chorus>
What time is it?
It's Amanda Time.
What day is it?
It's her day to shine.
What can we do?
Throw a party, fool!
What should we bring?
Bring your A Game. (True!)


Don't got any money for a present for you
But I have funky rhyme, and most of it is true
If I made you a sweater
with all the vowels and all the letters
in the alphabet
Would you ever wear it????
Sh*t!
I wouldn't.
But that's besides the point
You're older today
and I'm glad to be your friend in every single way
DISH IT, bitch!
I'm ready.
What you say there, gurl?
Hey Gurl Hey! You own this motherf*ckin' world.

<Chorus>
What time is it?
It's Amanda Time.
What day is it?
It's her day to shine.
What can we do?
Throw a party, fool!
What should we bring?
Bring your A Game. (True!)


Whatchu say, ho?
Whatever!
I'm a blonde bombshell.
Got brains and boobs
Yea, I'm fine as Hell
Red HOT
Hot as Hades
Burn your thoughts for even thinking my name
Scorch your ego with my fly ass frame
This ain't a game!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 11

Quote/Thought

Joseph Campbell said,

"Find a place inside where there's joy,


and the joy will burn out the pain."

Read more here.


I have been thinking... Surprising! I know.
Being worried about everything hasn't really worked out so far.
Being diligent has.
Missing people who quite obviously don't miss me also hasn't worked.
Loving those who reciprocate without thinking or impetus has.
I love acting.
I love plays.
I'm done being a slave to my own heart and mind.
It's time to be the master.
Let's see how it goes.

Wednesday, March 9

Giving up??

What am I giving up for LENT??????

This holiday always stresses me out. Most holidays stress me out.
There's always a need to prove something to someone.

Christmas = I love you and JESUS in present form.
Valentine's Day = (see former post)
St. Patrick's Day = I can outdrink you and wear Green better.
Fourth of July = I eat BBQ and love firecrackers more than you.

As a former Catholic, I guess I should observe this holiday.

GUILT!!!
As an agnostic, I feel like taking part in this holiday is a way of showing myself that I can make it through 40 days of anything.

SURVIVAL!!!
As someone on a diet already, I dread taking anything else out of my eating habits, because most of the time, I'm starving anyway.
HUNGER!!!


So...What have I decided
(with the help of my friend JKatz)
????
CHAIN RESTAURANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's right.

Goodbye, Starbucks.

I will miss you, Grande Skim Chai Lattes.
Goodbye, Chipotle.
I will miss you, Vegetarian Burritos.
Goodbye, Dunkin Donuts.
I will miss you, medium Hot Chocolate. Goodbye, Wendys. Hamburgers!!
I think I will miss you most of all.

Sigh.... LENT.
Day 1 begins...

Saturday, February 19

The Aftermath of V Day

Did you survive it?
Are all of your limbs in tact?


Did you suffer from S.O.P.M.O. Vomit?? (Seeing Other People Make Out)
Valentine's Day leaves most of New York in this odd haze of RED & PINK which are two colors that most New Yorkers don't have in their wardrobe. Maybe in their underwear drawer... Maybe lipstick/gloss...

Slowly but surely, the city is getting back to normal, despite heart shaped pizzas and gross hickies...
You know who you are!



Here are the top 5 questions, I was sick and tired of answering during the week before V Day, the actual day and this past week....


5) Any dinner plans for THE day??

Answer: No. I don't eat on that day. I use sense memory of what food tastes like when you're in love and just survive on that.

4) You bought yourself flowers? Isn't that someone else's job?

Answer: If there is a person whose job is to buy me flowers, and he is living in Babanango, South Africa... someone needs to explain to him, that he needs to get on top of his job, otherwise he is fired. Seriously... fired.

3) (while waiting on the longest line in HSBC ever... 1 hour.
Finally the bank teller asks:) Do you smile?! Today is a smiling day, yes?

Answer: Oh yes... 2 part answer. (1) Yes, I smile. A lot actually. But unfortunately, not at you, you balding white man with huge "beauty marks" all over your face. You should check those out. AND (2) No. It's not. I have been waiting to deposit my money for an HOUR, you twit. You took all of my impulses to smile when you took your sweet @ss time with the last 4 people's bank transactions.

2) (while getting a bikini wax, 3 days before VDay...
my waxer asks:) He'll be saying "WOW-WoW-yea" at this, hopefully?


Answer: Hopefully???????????????? I don't even have a HE to say that particular coin of phrase. But HOPEFULLY?????????????? Yeah... (sigh) Hopefully, HE would say that. Yes.

1) (While in Bloomingdale's checking out some earrings... some woman looks down at my big periodot ring, and asks:) Did your Valentine buy you that?

Answer: NO! I bought it. Do you know that Valentine's Day was to commemorate a bunch of Church martyrs?? I think I should have a day given to me for martyring myself at the doors of the IRS. Happy Taxes!! Food for thought.

<3 you all...

Friday, February 18

Black History Moment

Today on the train, I was reading UTA HAGEN's "THE CHALLENGE FOR THE ACTOR" when I stumbled upon this bit of text:


"Read about the young American, born in New York City in 1807, who fell in love with the theatre while attending performances sitting at the rear of the balcony and, realizing he would not be allowed to perform in fine plays in the United States, reversed the trend by going to England to make a career. He became one of the greatest tragedians of his generation and was eventually decorated by all the crowned heads of Europe for his portrayals of characters like Lear, Shylock, and Othello. In 1867 he died on tour in Lodz, Poland, where he was buried as an honored artist.
His name was Ira Aldridge- and he was black."


*The Challenge for the Actor, Uta Hagen. Scribner: New York © 1991.

Needless to say... I started crying. I just had a BLACK HISTORY MOMENT.

Wiki this man. Just do it.

This is the reason why I do the things I do.

Thursday, February 10

NO OUCH formula?

Is there such a thing when it comes to bikini area maintenance???
I am ALL for: NO pain. No gain.
But seriously.... this pain is a bit ridiculous.
If they can make tweezing and other beauty regimens fairly OUCH-less.
Why not this??

I've tried everything.

Shaving.

Depilatories.

Bikini Waxing.

Bikini Sugaring.

and Pu-lease! ELECTOLYSIS is not pain-free! That is electricity zappin your bits. or LASER Removal.... OY!!!


Believe me, my lady at Shobha is awesome!
She is fast. She is in depth. She is efficient.
I would give her the employee/consultant of the YEAR award if there was one for dealing with my nether regions.
But I sorta wish that there was a trauma meeting after the waxing session, where all someone had to do was pat my nethers and say: "It's OKAY." I'd pay $5 for someone to do that.


C'mon scientists! Vag-specialists!!!
Figure out a way of making this less excruciating.
I take Advil 2 hours before. It still hurts.
I've had countless amounts of services... shows, personal reasons, summer time swimwear fashion...
and it still is like
HOT SEARING PAINS OF TORTURE!


Fix. it. yes?

Wednesday, February 9

SURPRISE! I own a hairdryer!


wanna know something annoying?

when you walk up to people and the first thing they say is:
YOU'VE STRAIGHTENED YOUR HAIR!
not.. HI! How are you?
or even... WOW! you loook great!
YOU'VE STRAIGHTENED YOUR HAIR!
thanks, captain obvious. i hadn't noticed when i spent 2 hours doing it.

My friend J said to me: Well... maybe they were surprised!

And I say to that: F*ck that! LAME EXCUSE!!!

there's never a "wow! it looks good. it's straight."
it's just a "YOU'VE STRAIGHTENED IT!"

Yes, dingbat, i own a hairdryer.
and i own a flat iron.

every once in a while we all get together and have tea.

It would be akin to someone saying:

WOW! you have a pimple.
WOW! That blackhead has gotten big.

OR... let's go a step further...
WOW! you have a nose.
there it is.
you have a nose.
no really?!?! you mean... this thing I've been walking around with for the past 27 years is called a NOSE? holy sh*t! wow! nice to see you too!


Ok... I do get it.
I walk around 90% of the time with my hair in an afro.
I get it. The straight look is new to you.
But really???!?!? Figure out some new starting lines.
It's hair. It changes.
If I wanna dye it purple and put a streak of white in it,
the first line you say to me better not be: IT'S PURPLE!!
Why?
Because I will STAMP: CAPTAIN OBVIOUS on your forehead...


...with your own blood.



Monday, January 17

Pedestrian Terror!!!!

GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!
LADY, MOVE YOUR BABY!!!!
MOVE!



Bicycle on the sidewalk!!!
Bicycle on the sidewalk!!!
Bicycle on the sidewalk!!!
Bicycle on the sidewalk!!!
Bicycle on the sidewalk!!!
Bicycle on the sidewalk!!!


Son-of-a-LEMUR, You almost killed me!!!

Yo! I get it. You need to get somewhere.
I do too.
You have wheels.
I don't.
But they have a place for people with wheels.
It's called... A STREET.
Do you see pedestrians walking super fast amongst the cars and honking with handheld horns, getting the cars to move out of the way because they're walking?

Chinese Food/Pizza Delivery dude?
Unless you are coming up to your destination immediately, why are you endangering my life? Why are bobbing and weaving out of the crowds like you're on a crash course?
This is my sidewalk.
SIDEWALK.
Not riding. Not rolling.

Are you thinking to yourself...
"Feisty Actress... Why are you being so conservatively boring?"???
B*tch please! Have you been hit by a bicyclist while walking on the sidewalk?
I HAVE.
2 bruises, a scraped hand and a punch in the dude's face later, I can proudly say that I hate people who ride their bikes where they shouldn't.

There's a bike lane.
Afraid of the other rolling machines, aka cars, buses and trucks?

YOU SHOULD BE!!!Be afraid. Be very afraid.
The fear that they instill in you is the fear you instill on every poor pedestrian in your path.
Vengeance is best served cold.
How was the ride towards the pavement, sucka?

Sunday, January 16

Word Up!


When did word choice become chic?

When did BIG WORDS equal intelligence?
(is intelligence considered a big word? do i get into the club?)

I've been sitting around a lot of people lately, and these are people that I love, who hopefully love me... But I'm sitting around these people, and they're using all of these SPELLING BEE words to describe how they're doing or feeling about one thing or the other... and I feel like I need a PD to keep up.

Believe me, I have a love of the English language.
I love the lexicon and all that it provides.
But why does it seem like my brain needs the LAMENT'S TERMS version of everything?




I have a Bachelor's degree. (so?)
I also have an Master's degree. (more loan paying for you!)
And forget about where I got degrees from, and the level of education that they "afforded" me...




But why do I feel like you're trying to make me feel small with what your saying?
Is it how you're saying it?

Perhaps it's just my Ego...
Perhaps I'm too sensitive to your tone of voice...
Perhaps you are more learn├ęd than I...

The shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line, so why don't you just get to the point and forget about the flowery dressing? Is anyone else impressed by your d├ęcoupage? (do i get points for that word?)

Anyway... I guess I just wish people could be flat and honest and would leave the frosting on the cake, instead of wearing it too.