Revelation #458

Hello... Sorry for the hiatus!
I've been learning lines for a show that I'm in.
Still am...
But on a mini break from keeping my nose in my play's pages, I had a revelation.



TADA!!!!

Before I tell you what the REVELATION was,
let me give you some background info.

[NOT FOR CHILDREN'S EYES!!!!!]
If you are under the age of 18, do NOT read.

For those who don't know... I was also on a hiatus from SEX.

(yes, from Happy Holidays! to SEX... moving on...)

Like a long time hiatus.
Like months....
I know people go for years... lifetimes.. without it.
But I am NOT one of those people.

Anyway... I was on a hiatus from "the deed".
And someone I knew from my past offered (very kindly)
to cut my "vacation" short.
And I accepted.

And while I was "getting back to work," I had a revelation.
Yes, I think during sexXx.
I think about various things.
If you're lucky, I'm not actually doing the 4 million other things
that pop into my head at that time.
'Cuz I will stop things and do my laundry if I'm bored.


Revelation #458:
KISSING IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF SEXxX.


I only had this revelation because this person from the past,
let's call him Mr. Stone...
insisted that KISSING was NOT part of the deal.

I am all for CASUAL bonding.
I am all for a strictly "working" relationship.

But No KISSING?????

I sorta live for kissing.
I could kiss someone for ages and ages and ages.
(...if they're good.)
It tells you how attentive that other person will be to your nether regions.

I could understand if my breath was stinky.
I could understand more if HE had a sore or something in his mouth.
NO THANK YOU!

BUT...
How am I supposed to gauge what sex is gonna be like?

Hmmmmmmmm............

....

I mean... it was like being in a really weird movie.
Not a skin-e-max film.
But like.... a David Lynch movie.
Sorta hot.
Sorta weird.
Sorta.... wait, is that sex happening? Or they just talking?

Yeah... so I learned my lesson:

Make KISSING a part of "the 2 backed camel monster".


'Cuz even if you have nothing to say, you can still move your lips and preoccupy your mouth/brain so that that you don't say things like:

"WOW! You're still wearing your socks?"

...

When did this place become a free for all???

Doobee dooobee dooo!

Listening to my music....

Oooohhh How sweet it is to be loved by you. By you...

Doobee dooobee doo!!!!!!!

HAPPINESS!!!!!

[Happy Fiesty Actress getting onto the 6 train... on her way to rehearsal...]

AAAAaaaAAAAAAaaaaHHHhHHHHHHHHHHHhhHhhhh!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You almost hit me with your dancing skills.

I am afraid for your life DANCERS on the 6 train.

You are doing above and beyond what is necessary for George Washington!!!!

Don't you want more space?
The platform is fine. There is lots of space.

But actually doing feats of grandure while the train is moving?
I think that is a bit much. And now I'm just mad at your music choice.

Why do you clap so much before going into your routine?
I ain't gonna clap with you. I AM ANNOYED.
I don't want to listen to FUNKMASTER FLEX yelling at me through your RIHANNA track that you've selected as your dance music du jour.

AND.... why do they always come with some little one who is about 4 years old popping and locking???

LEAVE THAT CHILD AT HOME.
MAKE HIM READ A BOOK or SOMETHING....

And...CHILDREN!!!!!!
YOU ALL NEED TO STOP BEING SO MONOTONE. It is a bad sales technique.

And I know! You're not doing drugs.
You get good grades. (Or so you say....)

And that you only need a little cash in your pocket.

THEN... GET A JOB!!!!!!!!!

Why do they always JUST have M&M PEANUT?!?!
What if I wanted another candy? Well... I guess I'm shit out of luck.


And Sir, I understand that you have to make your dolla dolla bills....

But were you a painter before you were a drummer, because where did you get all of those paint barrels?

Won't you get more money painting a room?
I'll pay you to paint my apartment right now. It needs it.

And... did you steal those professional drumming sticks from the Lincoln Center Music Center?



Dear Performers,

Please stop ruining my commute.
(Homeless people asking for money... you'll be addressed later.)

Best regards,

Fiesty Actress

Did you write Murder?

Do you know who this Fiesty Lady is?
No, she's not some gladiator Porn star.

Still can't guess???
She's giving you that smoldering look.... See it?

MURDER SHE WROTE, bitches!!!!!!
ANGELA LANSBURY.

That's right.
Take a look at those pictures again.

She was, and STILL is one Fiesty Bitch.

I was watching her famous series, MURDER SHE WROTE, one late night, because I have the soul of a 70 year old woman who loves intrigues. And I was thinking... "That JESSICA FLETCHER has some spunk. I hope I'm like that when I'm ANCIENT."

But other than that, Ms. Lansbury has had a fantastic stage career.

Before Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, there was...

Len Cariou and the Fiesty Bitch,
as THE ORIGINAL (1973)
Mr. Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett.

And you ALL should watch the Pirates of Penzance (1983).
If you like PIRATES... Kevin Kline... (yes, Kevin Kline)... singing...
VIRGINS... and ANGELA LANSBURY!!!!....

WATCH THAT SHIT.
(To be honest... that musical makes me cringe.
But if you watch it on mute, it's quite hilarious.)

To be honest... maybe I only like her because I have her haircut.
Bitch, you got FUR on??? GANGSTA!
I gotta rock that eventually....hmmm....

REVENGE!?!?

Do you feel


LUCKY,




USPS

Worker?




No, Not you, Italian man.

YOU, Fucker.... Do. You. Feel. Lucky?



Do you???

What took you so long to come back to your desk? Why is there only one old Asian woman working? Why is the line so long? What is your problem? Why are all the forms that no one ever wants always available, and all of the forms that most people need are NEVER around??? Why are you giving me the STINK EYE????

[ silence]

DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you Versatile?

CATE BLANCHETT.

Need I say more?
Of course, I do. Otherwise, how would you laugh today?

You are looking at one of the most versatile actresses EVER.
Did I just say "ever"?
I DID.
'Cuz.... let's face it. She is.
Bitch can do it ALL.


Don't know who she is? WIKI her, bitches.
This bitch is TALENTED.

Having just seen her as BLANCHE in "A Streetcar Named Desire" by Tennessee Williams, I bow to her.

If you saw it, what did you think?
If you didn't... TOO BAD FOR YOU!

My friend AMC's husband, Goethe's muse, told me to hold it together while I was watching her. And I have to say, "Sir, I did.'
But it was interesting.

I wish I could ask Ms. Blanchett questions about her performances.
It would be so amazing.

UGH! Not like some shows that used to be at my former grad school.

But like a friend.

Yes, Queen Elizabeth I.
Yes, Elizabeth I: The Golden Age.

I would like to be your friend.
Not like Joseph Fiennes. Or Clive Owen.
Like... your BESTY.
ONLY YOUR BITCHES WEAR YOUR COLORS??
I gotchu.

(did I mention that I've seen Elizabeth I, the movie more than 1,000 times? Cuz I have. I know! I know! It's scary and sad. But it's my go-to film. It's my woman empowerment film. It's my FUCK MEN film. Got it? Good.)

Let's talk about how she played 2 characters having a conversation in the Jim Jarmusch film, "Coffee and Cigarettes". And this wench is sooo good, you could not even tell that that's her under that wig and accent. Check the clip out.

I mean... shit! She played Bob Dylan.
YES!!!!
The woman. Played. Bob. Dylan.
She's so versatile that she can play a man.
MORE CONVINCINGLY THAN MOST OF THE ACTUAL MEN IN THE CAST.
You should actually see the movie to see her performance.
She's kick ass.

I mean... What can you say for yourself, people?
Are you this BAD ASS? Are you versatile? Can you act with Dame Judy aka the other Elizabeth I? Are you AUSTRALIAN???? Can you command the winds, sir??

OF COURSE NOT.
You're not CATE BLANCHETT.

Don't you know that I have a problem?

Dear stores,

Please stop sending me emails telling me
that all items are 50%-75% off.
STOP TALKING TO ME!!!!
Please stop putting huge signs in your windows.
It is breaking my heart to not buy something.

It's Holiday shopping time.
I should ONLY be buying things for friends and family.
Why are you tempting me this way?
I cannot dance with the DEVIL in just any LBD!!!!

For the love of all that is good in this world...
STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO USE MY CREDIT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best regards,

Fiesty Actress
aka Shopaholic
aka Satan's Mistress who would look lovely in this.... TADA!

Procreation? HA!

For those who read this, who do NOT know me personally, or interact with me on a daily basis,

I do NOT like children.


Let me repeat myself, in case you can't read the regular print:

I. do. NOT. like. children.


NOPE! I do not.
Maybe it is something I will evolve past when my ovaries begin to tingle when I'm 35 or younger, or older, who knows...(It can happen!) and want to spawn something from mixing my DNA with someone with super awesome DNA. (Or second most awesome DNA. Or third still awesome DNA.... I digress...)

Or maybe go do the LITTLE international village thing?

But let me tell you right now.

I really REALLY HATE when people
bring their WHINING, CRYING babies on the train.

REALLY, PEOPLE!?!?!?!?

Did you have sex to have THAT?!

That FOG HORN of a monster is now invading my "Boob Mix" on my IPOD.
LBoogs, thanks for that mix. But the child across from me is messin' with my flow.

I know that they can't express themselves with the full lexicon of the English language, but can you at least put a muzzle on those things?

What are you doing that they are HOLLERING like that?

Give her the CANDY CANE.

Give him your Cell phone.

What? They'll hurt themselves?

NO, you fool! There's a higher probability that they're probably hurt YOU than themselves. They're resilient. They're babies.

Aren't they supposed to bounce?

I'm not advocating to BOUNCE A BABY. AHHH!!!
I'm just saying... they're more likely to bounce back from an M&M in the nose, than a 26 yr old woman whose ears are bleeding from the high pitch of your babies' yell.

O the Agony!

A Poem to Lucy

A Poem to Lucy, my stolen Car

1996 was a good year.
HONDA was a great co-parent.
Where have all the miles gone?

Moved me to college.
Moved me to my first apartment.
Moved me to my second apartment.
Moved me to my current HEAVEN.

Then... moved to your own death.
O! THE PAIN!

Better than most.
James Spader didn't do malevolent things to you.
Movies were made about your Bad Ass-ness.

The CLUB was not enough.

A lonely teardrop is all they'll ever get out of this Cry-Baby.

I ain't a maid. I got an OSCAR, bitch!

Who is that beautiful chocolate lady accepting
that wonderous bald man that all actors covet?
Don't know?
HA! You should be ashamed of yourself.

HATTIE MCDANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O yes, I finally did a Fiesty Black Actress.
I bet you were all wondering...

"Why is Fiesty Actress, who is Black, not doing any Black actresses?"
"Hmmm... SELF HATE!!!" tisk tisk tisk.

And you know what?
There is no reason.

I just hadn't gotten to them yet. My brain works on many levels.
Does yours?

But lemme tell you something: (shhh! don't tell everyone)
This profession that I'm in is NOT known for having many minorities.
It is a WHITE WHITE world, my friends.
Don't tell those of a "lighter hue". They don't know. Shhhh!

She's best known for the character that got her the Oscar.
MAMMY in "Gone with the Wind".

Hattie McDaniel, on being in Hollywood: "I'd rather play a maid than be one."

If you haven't seen this movie, and are Black:
you should be ashamed of yourself.

If you haven't seen this movie, and are any other race,
(White, Hispanic, Indian, Filipino, Chinese, Martian, etc.):
you should ALL be ashamed of yourself too.

It is a classic. And by golly, it's fantastic.
Personally... it makes me get angry and cry and laugh and all the things a great movie should make you do.

And that's all I have to say about "Gone With The Wind".
Read the book.
See the movie.

Do one or do both. Either way... your life will be changed.

And after you watch it, and know the American History of Slaves in this country... watch this woman's performance, and tell me that it's not brilliant.

Bitch got her own STAMP.

That's right.
When it comes to Black History Month... you better hop on over to the USPS.

And she got a star.

This is something every actor, including myself hopes for,
but I know I can't imagine it.
It would be too weird, and fantastical for words.

I am proud knowing that this woman is on that Hollywood Walk of Fame.
She deserves it more than some of those other motherfuckers,
and you know who I'm talking about. I mean... REALLY!?!?! GIMME A BREAK!

CAT CALL me, but NOT HELP me? (post x2)

Dear Blog-landia,

Yesterday, I moved from my west side 150s street box like studio apartment to a beautiful 2 bedroom ground floor apartment on the east side.
Sad to leave the West side... but....
WOW is right!
My 3 beautiful friends, LBoog, AMC, and GLion, along with my padre, helped me.

Let me start by saying that mi papa is a saint for dealing with me, his crazy, and talented, daughter.

But let's talk about the other motherfuckers....

Blog-readers!

<- Do NOT date men from this country. They do NOT help women when they're moving out of their apartments. Wait... what? What did you say? Did I offend you?


How could I?

You are STILL sitting there!!!
NOT DOING SHIT!!!!

OHHHHH!!!! You just wanna check out the goods??
WHAT GOODS?? I ain't givin' you crap!!!

LBoogs was sayin' that she was gonna go lesbos, and I almost agree.

Men on the stoop... I know you see us, me and LBoogs, strong women in our right...

A lot like this woman here... carrying her own fruit. And Pineapples are heavy! And a whole bunch of bananas!!!

I know you see us LUGGING and SWEATING and PANTING and MUSCLING heavy stuff from an apartment building to a TRUCK... and you just look on with awe, and lick your lips at our juicy bottoms, but you don't offer assistance.

WOW! Further proof that singledom in NYC might be the way to go right now...


Though the other option is just as tempting... Senate doesn't think so.

SENATORS vs. MEN ON STOOP.
I don't know who to love more.

JEBUS! Do you brush your teeth?

While riding the 1 train tonight to my apt, which will soon be vacated, I was caught by an unusual and unpleasant smell.


_sniff_sniff__



_sniff_sniff__



What is that AWFUL SMELL?

_sniff___ sniff___

And then I found it. Like Indiana Jones finding the HOLY GRAIL...

The person across from me was sleeping with their mouth open.

And yes, Everyone.... what do you think that smell was??

HIS BREATH!!!!


< silent SCREAM of terror>

For the love of PETE.... BRUSH YO TEETH.

YOU ARE OFFENDING ME FROM 3 FEET AWAY.
The old lady sitting next to you has her scarf wrapped around her entire head
to smell anything else but yo STANK BREATH.

O MERDE!!!!!!!
O HOLY MONKEY BALLS!!!!!!

911 emergency! Feisty Actress has just fainted from STANK BREATH! HELP!!!!

And then God created...

LILITH.

Yea... that's right, Eve. Thought you were first?

HELL NO! You were sloppy seconds, bitch.

Check out the owls flanking her!
In my mind, that means she was wise.
Wise enough to get away from Adam's triflin' ass.
You know she was the first to be singing this song.

This made me laugh with glee: quoted from a website:
"Adam and Lilith never found peace together; for when he wished to lie with her, she took offense at the recumbent posture he demanded. 'Why must I lie beneath you?' she asked. 'I also was made from dust, and am therefore your equal.' Because Adam tried to compel her obedience by force, Lilith, in a rage, uttered the magic name of God, rose into the air and left him."

GANGSTA!!!!!
She was against MISSIONARY. LOVE IT!

Lilith was dancing the horizontal mambo with snakes far before you, Eve.

And look at her hair!!!
Check it out. No fig leaves covering her goods. It's all animal here, baby!

Looks a bit like that monster from SPECIES, yea?
That's right, you should be scared.
She's got her own FAIR!!!!!

Are you kidding me?

Went to see an NYU: TISCH Graduate School play yesterday.
Went with my good, great, wonderful friend, AMC.
Was sooo very excited, because we like the playwright.
Thought it might be good, being that it's <dramatic chord sound> NYU.

(Here's where you all think positively about your upcoming theatre experience... have daisies and tulips and cookies dancing about in your stomach in anticipation...
wanting this to be a good time.)
---
(and then the play begins...)
---
(and you become ANGRY within the first 5 seconds.)

Question: Have you ever wanted to get up on the stage, as an audience member and scream to the actors any of the following sentences:

a. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!
b. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY? THIS ISN'T A SCENE FROM "FIGHT CLUB".
c. HOW CAN YOU EMOTE? YOU DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THE LAST THING HE SAID!!
d. PUT A BRA ON! YOUR NIPPLES ARE DISTRACTING ME FROM YOUR BAD ACTING?
e. PLEASE STOP THE ANAL RAPE! I GET IT.
f. TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!! YOU ARE NOT IN A DADA-IST PLAY!
g. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH FRENCH IN A PLAY WRITTEN BY A HISPANIC WRITER?
h. WHY?!?!?!?! WHYYYY?!?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Those actors should be slapped.

Here's where you say: WHY? It can be a 3 way SLAPPING!!

ACTORS, DIRECTOR and PLAYWRIGHT.

And you know what? You... yes YOU, are RIGHT.
All three should be blamed.
Should be. But inevitably...

Actors are always blamed.
It's our job to bring the playwright's words and story to life.
It's our job to bring the director's vision to fruition.
It's our job to fulfill the actions and be open to the possibilities of each moment.
It's our job.
If you can't do your job, you should be fired.
(Yes, I said that.)

THESE ACTORS MADE MY ASS TWITCH.
Let me be perfectly clear: I am not saying that I think NYU's program sucks.
I am saying that this particular group of actors
in this production that I saw last night
SUCKED.

I mean... what are you striving for, people?

(The play was about sex trafficking and how we barter emotions, sex, bodies, etc.)

The playwright has given you an extremely GENERAL place to start from, I know.

But CMON! Is NOTHING in this world important to you? That you'd give anything for? That you'd risk HELL for? That you'd sell your soul for?

...


...

silence?
Wow.
Then, why are you an actor?

Are you crazy about Wire Hangers?

This Fiesty bitch was.

JOAN CRAWFORD.
Bitch, where did you get yo HAT? I want it.

A woman I would never want to meet in a dark alley.
Why?
Look at her eyes.
Actually... second thought. Don't look her in the eyes.
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
You might get sucked into the 9th gate of HELL, because those things are intense.

Check this out.

Does DANGER look this good?

YES.

I think me and this Fiesty Bitch have a cosmic connection.

Why?

1. She studied as a dancer. (So did I.)
2. She was married four times. (I probably will be.)
**side note: The last husband died. The others were all divorce.

3. She was frustrated at the parts given to women in theatre and film. (So am I.)

And that's just the beginning.

WHERE ELSE CAN YOU FIND SUCH EMOTION?
AND SUCH EYEBROWS!!!!!!!

She, Eugene Levy, and Groucho Marx are gonna have to battle it out in heaven eventually.

If so... I have first row tickets, bitches!!!!
----

Forget about looks... this woman made some fantastic films. And the film about her is probably too good for words.

I mean... the woman took in and raised the Children of the Corn. And they claim abuse? STOP WHINING!!!! We all know you're all waiting for Malachaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

One of my mom's favourite movies is Mildred Pierce.
[This post is for my mom, who will probably not read this.]
Thanks for not yelling at me about wire hangers!