contra/in- ception?

man #1:

i think ima get that thing where you can't get girls pregnant no more.

man #2:
a condom?

man #1:

nah man! a vasa-

man #2:
pullin' out?

man #1:

nah n-gga! a vassa-tommy.

man #2:
a what?

man #1:

yeah, my n-gga! a vassa-tommy. i can't deal anymore.

man #2:
i heard dat. But why?

man #1:

child support is fuckin' expensive.

man #2:
i gots 3 kids and i'm good. Gotta make that paper, boi!

man #1:

nah dude! You'll see. After #5, your *ss is broke!

FROM THIS STORY DID YOU GET THE FOLLOWING: ???

MAN #1 HAS 5 KIDS.

MAN #2 HAS 3 KIDS.

AND...

When I write MAN #1 and MAN #2, 

I really believe that these "MEN" were around 18 years old.

SCARY.

stop the yelling!!!

black woman with 3 kids:
MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO STOP CUSSIN' IN FRONT OF MY KIDS!!!

white man with glasses:

ummm... but you're cursing in front of them...

black woman with 3 kids:
I'M THEIR MOTHER! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!

indian woman with a kid:

can you stop yelling? and cursing?

black woman with 3 kids:
BITCH-- YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M A GOOD MOTHER.

indian woman with a kid:

no one said you weren't.

black woman with 3 kids:
OH.

(silence)

black woman with 3 kids:
WELL FUCK YA'LL THEN!

WTF?!?!

single life

 QUESTION:
 when did opinions become unsexy?!



 ANSWER:
ha! when hot bimbos have none.

WHY ME?!

Someone stole $1000 from me....

HSBC called me to tell me that they believed some fraudelent charges had occured with my account.

THEY WERE RIGHT!!!!

I would never take out $1000 from my account. 

From a Citibank, no less. Nor down on Canal Street.

What would I need $1000 for on Canal Street?

300 fake Kate Spade bags?

1666 drawing pencils from Pearl Paint?

400 dumplings from Chinatown?

On top of that, I am PO'.
I can't even afford the last two letters.
Why do these butt pirates think it's alright to steal from the PO???
ROBIN HOOD is famous for a reason!
NOT for d*ckin around, dumb*sses!

How do these motherF*ckers do it??
Either they are extremely smart or just LUCKY and either way... I hate them.

But seriously... Why me?

That's all I kept asking the universe.

I take it from the universe's silence that the answer is simply: 

IT HAPPENS TO ALMOST EVERYONE!

GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!

I hope there's a KARMA meter somewhere in the world. 

 Those *ss munchers who did this to me better have it coming to them in the end.

THANKS TO EVERYONE who sent me virtual hugs and love when I was sad.

To keep myself from crying too much about THE MONEY LOSS, 

I will remember this Cee Lo Green classic...

note to penis havers

dear men everywhere,

when i ask you out for a drink... that's all i want.
a drink. the two of us. maybe a conversation?
(or we could be silent and make silly faces.)
things i do not want: babies. blood. marriage.
don't hyperbolize the invite.

sincerely,
a woman who just likes alcohol

Body Pride #2

BOOM, B*TCH!!!!

IN YO FACE!!!

When I was at least 8 years old, my dad taught me how to defend myself against an attacker.

And it definitely involved AN ELBOW to the face.

Honestly... Elbows are some of the oddest things in the world.

And inevitably, I always end up staring at them.

Why??????
They're weird.

They bend.
There's extra skin.
And that extra skin folds up in a nasty, wrinkled, hairless cat sort of way.

When you hit them in just the right spot, it hurts like THE DICKENS.

Btw... what the HELL does that mean: "THE DICKENS"???
Did Charles Dickens do anything to offend anyone so much that when "THE DICKENS" happens, everyone thinks it's the worst thing? What did he do?


But honestly... Miss Havisham probably had some wrinkly elbows.


My mom always told me to not put them on the table when I was eating.
I listened.

As a Black woman, I constantly have to rub lotion on them, so I don't get the ugly GREY ASHY look.

Also, I noticed recently that I tend to wear my long sleeved sweaters rolled up past my elbows. What's that about?? I guess I'm proud of them.

Yeah... ELBOW.
Throwin' them bows, indeed, Luda. Thank you!

1am rhetorical questions

Why do you NOT answer my texts??


WHY is a very hard thing to answer, isn't it?


subquestions:
are they rude?
do they offend you?
do they suggest something to you other than what is written?

if the answer is NO to any or all of the subquestions, then next question is...

...Why do i consider you a friend?

Food for thought.

Body Pride

why are there people,

most specifically men,
who put up pictures of their 4-6-8 pack abs
all over Facebook/YouTube/Instagram/etc.???

i get it! you work out.

believe me, i'm proud of you.

But... Seriously?

Oh! you are serious.

Ok.
i'm gonna start putting up pictures of random parts of my body.
let's see how you like that.

1st up.

MY EAR.

Hot stuff, right???

Look at that lobe.

Oo!!!
And a piercing!!!

Look at the sloping of the concha.
And curvature of that helix.

If you're not turned on, I suggest you take a second look.
The anatomy of THE EAR is amazing.
You know you want this!

Keyser Söze knows Shakespeare??

Before things jump off:

SHOUTS OUT to the company that shall remain anonymous for giving me FREE tickets. For those who don't know me...

You say: "Feisty Actress... This hot dog is FREE!"

I say: "SHUTTUP! It's MINE."

Not only was I seated in the ORCHESTRA.
But I was CENTER ORCHESTRA.
And only about 6 rows away from the action.
My friend, LC and I had the best seats in the house!!!
BOOM!!!
AWESOME.

Okay... here we go...

RICHARD III

"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried."

Wait... Hold up!!!

Keyser Söze???

AHHH!!! Whatchu doin' here????

OH SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!

I say: Ooo Gurl... This gotta be good... Right??

You say: RIGHT!!!

3 hours and 1 intermission later....

WHAT THE EXPLETIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keyser Söze.

(shakin' my head)

Keyser.

(taking a moment.)

• Q1: WHY ARE YOU YELLING HALF OF YOUR LINES?????????????
• Q2: WHY ARE YOU MUMBLING THE OTHER HALF??????????????
• Q3: DO YOU REALIZE THAT PUTTING WEIGHT ON THE 'LIMP' LEG IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE??? WHY EVEN HAVE THE CANE???
• Q4: IF RICHARD HAS A HUMP and A LIMP and was BORN THIS WAY, DON'T YOU THINK HE WOULD'VE MASTERED HIS PHYSICALITY INSTEAD OF LOOKING LIKE HE WAS ABOUT TO TOLL THE BELLS OF THE CATHEDRAL??
• Q5: DID THE DIRECTOR JUST LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT???
  

Because... you just MASTURBATED all over that stage and I feel like a bit sticky.
And not the kind of SPEWY that makes you luxuriate in the "WOW! we just shared something." But it was the kind of SPUNK that makes you wanna shower and gargle and disinfect everything.

You know what... You get how I feel.
Let's talk about it in PERSON.

xxx

MTA. i hate you.

dear M116 bus,

you are the SLOWEST bus ever.
In fact, one could wait an hour, and you will will not show up.
what is the deal?

did I walk from lenox ave. to my apartment at 1.30am?

did a nice, though SKETCHY looking, Hispanic man on a bike ask me, in Spanish no less, if i needed someone to walk with me??
when i said "No, gracias" (aka the only Spanish I could muster in my sleepy state), did he still walk ahead of me?
And did I feel like I had a Dominican Kevin Costner??

M116 bus, you do NOT complete me.

regards,
me