The Aftermath of V Day

Did you survive it?

Are all of your limbs in tact?

Did you suffer from S.O.P.M.O. Vomit?? (Seeing Other People Make Out)

Valentine's Day leaves most of New York in this odd haze of RED & PINK which are two colors that most New Yorkers don't have in their wardrobe. Maybe in their underwear drawer... Maybe lipstick/gloss...

Slowly but surely, the city is getting back to normal, despite heart shaped pizzas and gross hickies...
You know who you are!



Here are the top 5 questions, I was sick and tired of answering during the week before V Day, the actual day and this past week....


5) Any dinner plans for THE day??

Answer: No. I don't eat on that day. I use sense memory of what food tastes like when you're in love and just survive on that.

4) You bought yourself flowers? Isn't that someone else's job?

Answer: If there is a person whose job is to buy me flowers, and he is living in Babanango, South Africa... someone needs to explain to him, that he needs to get on top of his job, otherwise he is fired. Seriously... fired.

3) (while waiting on the longest line in HSBC ever... 1 hour.
Finally the bank teller asks:) Do you smile?! Today is a smiling day, yes?

Answer: Oh yes... 2 part answer. (1) Yes, I smile. A lot actually. But unfortunately, not at you, you balding white man with huge "beauty marks" all over your face. You should check those out. AND (2) No. It's not. I have been waiting to deposit my money for an HOUR, you twit. You took all of my impulses to smile when you took your sweet @ss time with the last 4 people's bank transactions.

2) (while getting a bikini wax, 3 days before VDay...
my waxer asks:) He'll be saying "WOW-WoW-yea" at this, hopefully?

Answer: Hopefully???????????????? I don't even have a HE to say that particular coin of phrase. But HOPEFULLY?????????????? Yeah... (sigh) Hopefully, HE would say that. Yes.

1) (While in Bloomingdale's checking out some earrings... some woman looks down at my big periodot ring, and asks:) Did your Valentine buy you that?

Answer: NO! I bought it. Do you know that Valentine's Day was to commemorate a bunch of Church martyrs?? I think I should have a day given to me for martyring myself at the doors of the IRS. Happy Taxes!! Food for thought.

<3 you all...

Black History Moment

Today on the train, I was reading UTA HAGEN's "THE CHALLENGE FOR THE ACTOR" when I stumbled upon this bit of text:

"Read about the young American, born in New York City in 1807, who fell in love with the theatre while attending performances sitting at the rear of the balcony and, realizing he would not be allowed to perform in fine plays in the United States, reversed the trend by going to England to make a career. He became one of the greatest tragedians of his generation and was eventually decorated by all the crowned heads of Europe for his portrayals of characters like Lear, Shylock, and Othello. In 1867 he died on tour in Lodz, Poland, where he was buried as an honored artist.
His name was Ira Aldridge- and he was black."

*The Challenge for the Actor, Uta Hagen. Scribner: New York © 1991.

Needless to say... I started crying. I just had a BLACK HISTORY MOMENT.

Wiki this man. Just do it.

This is the reason why I do the things I do.

NO OUCH formula?

Is there such a thing when it comes to bikini area maintenance???

I am ALL for: NO pain. No gain.
But seriously.... this pain is a bit ridiculous.

If they can make tweezing and other beauty regimens fairly OUCH-less.
Why not this??

I've tried everything.

Shaving.

Depilatories.

Bikini Waxing.

Bikini Sugaring.

and Pu-lease! ELECTOLYSIS is not pain-free! That is electricity zappin your bits. or LASER Removal.... OY!!!


Believe me, my lady at Shobha is awesome!
She is fast. She is in depth. She is efficient.
I would give her the employee/consultant of the YEAR award if there was one for dealing with my nether regions.
But I sorta wish that there was a trauma meeting after the waxing session, where all someone had to do was pat my nethers and say: "It's OKAY." I'd pay $5 for someone to do that.


C'mon scientists! Vag-specialists!!!
Figure out a way of making this less excruciating.
I take Advil 2 hours before. It still hurts.
I've had countless amounts of services... shows, personal reasons, summer time swimwear fashion...
and it still is like
HOT SEARING PAINS OF TORTURE!


Fix. it. yes?

SURPRISE! I own a hairdryer!

wanna know something annoying?

when you walk up to people and the first thing they say is:
YOU'VE STRAIGHTENED YOUR HAIR!

not.. HI! How are you?

or even... WOW! you loook great!

YOU'VE STRAIGHTENED YOUR HAIR!

thanks, captain obvious. i hadn't noticed when i spent 2 hours doing it.

My friend J said to me: Well... maybe they were surprised!

And I say to that: F*ck that! LAME EXCUSE!!!

there's never a "wow! it looks good. it's straight."

it's just a "YOU'VE STRAIGHTENED IT!"

Yes, dingbat, i own a hairdryer.

and i own a flat iron.

every once in a while we all get together and have tea.

It would be akin to someone saying:

WOW! you have a pimple.
WOW! That blackhead has gotten big.

OR... let's go a step further...

WOW! you have a nose.

there it is.

you have a nose.

no really?!?! you mean... this thing I've been walking around with for the past 27 years is called a NOSE? holy sh*t! wow! nice to see you too!

Ok... I do get it.
I walk around 90% of the time with my hair in an afro.
I get it. The straight look is new to you.
But really???!?!? Figure out some new starting lines.
It's hair. It changes.
If I wanna dye it purple and put a streak of white in it,
the first line you say to me better not be: IT'S PURPLE!!
Why?
Because I will STAMP: CAPTAIN OBVIOUS on your forehead...

...with your own blood.