Waiting to be seen at an audition??

No matter where you are... No matter how old you are...
No matter what sex you are... No matter how good you think you are...

AUDITIONS are STRESSFUL.

They're all the same.
Dance auditions... Acting auditions... Singing auditions...

The same things pop up:

Are you prepared enough?
Actually...Are you more prepared that the other people?
Are you relaxed? Are you appropriately dressed?
Do you need to pee? How long do you have to wait?
Which piece am I doing today?

Here are the TOP 5 THINGS
that BUG the HELL out of me while waiting to be seen:

#5 Actors who mouth their sides outloud or ACT out their entire SIDE silently.

I get it people! We all want to do well.
You need to know the words.

Did you have those sides before you got here?

Yes, You did?
THEN, YOU SHOULD'VE PRACTICED AT HOME.
It may be a COLD read. But unless you're an iceberg, you have no excuse.

The other scenario...No, You didn't?
Hunny! Don't show me your cards before the final flop.
I'm watching you plan out your entire strategy, and I'm coming up with a defense attack. Or I'm realizing that my route may be far more relaxed and better than yours.

#4 Dancers who stretch their bodies to 180 degrees or more.

If you can put your leg behind your head and shake hands with the President of Italy, then... good for you, Flexi!

But I DON'T CARE.
In fact.... you should be warm. The hallway is not going to make you any more stretched than you were 10 minutes ago on the D train trying to get there.

Is this some weird JEDI mind trick??
If you show me how flexible you are, I will get so flustered because I cannot do that, that I just leave?

NOPE, b*tch! I'm stickin' it out.
And besides.... that you can twist in a pretzel shows me that you have no spine, you GUMBY FREAK!

#3 Singers who do their full scales and lip exercises and octaves.

Maaaaahhhh----
OoooOooooOooooo

Meeee Mayyyy Myyyyyy Mooohhhh Muuuuuuu

BbbbBah
TttTtah
PppppPpah

OH SHUT THE F*CK UP!

We all get it.
You are about to sing.
Your voice is an instrument.
You take care of it like you would a Baby Bird.

Now let the rest of us focus.
Or I'll cut off the head of your baby bird with the pen that I used to sign in.


#2 Are you really putting on an extra layer of makeup/perfume or cologne right now? or EVEN WORSE Is that a falafel or some other SMELLY food you are eating right now?

AHHH!!!!This is my breathing space too.
The last thing I want to smell is EAU de YOU!
And I think that the last thing the auditioner wants is for everyone to come in smelling of ANYTHING.
ESPECIALLY if it's something horrid.

Don't get me wrong. I love FALAFEL. I do.
But I don't want to smell of it when I'm going in for an audition to be a [young professional whose boyfriend is cheating on her with her best friend who happens to be a man]. The last thing on my mind is "Mmm Chick Peas."


And for all you makeup women..........
If you have to apply your entire face once you've gotten to the audition, maybe you want to get some plastic surgery to fix whatever you got going on there.

NO OFFENSE!

But if you need THAT much help... why even leave the house?
I'm not saying that you're ugly.
I'm saying that your self esteem should've been at 100% before you got to TENSE CENTRAL (i.e. the audition), because it only gets worse as more people show up.



And finally........

#1 DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES, WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW, etc.

In fact... DON'T TALK AT ALL.

As you probably guessed earlier... I have a keen sense of smell.

And the thing is...

I can smell your bullshit.
And the smell is emanating from your mouth as you speak.
Stop puffing yourself up!
You smell to high heaven.

That is not an exaggeration.

When people talk about themselves before an audition:

"Well... I just finished this... I just did that... This director loved me... The last time I auditioned for this casting director, she said she liked my energy..."

ALL I hear is:

"BULLSH*T.... BULLSH*T... Can you smell it? Because I'm perfuming it with some more BULLSH*T."

Show me whatchu got, assw*pe!

Other people are trying to focus, including me. We don't want to hear about you.



----

Well...
those are my top 5.
What are yours?

Are you really THAT big?

MEN!
This post is for you.

Is your peen really that huge
that you need to keep your legs open
as wide as they can possibly be on the train?

No really! I want to know.
Here is a ruler.
I want to know how much you got.

Because I don't even think it's a matter of size.
I have figured it out:

YOU ARE JUST RUDE.

It's like all men have been taking SUMO wrestling lessons.

They have to get the optimum squat in order to take up as much space as possible.

Because what would happen if you did let me sit next to you?

You'd get a STIFFY that would make baby carrots jealous??

I mean.... Really???

THE TRAIN IS CROWDED.

My 5'1" self is smushed in the armpit of some Frenchman who refuses to wear deodorant who is with his mean faced, red lipstick wearing girlfriend, speaking French like I don't understand it (but I do) about how the NYC subway system is disgusting.

I would be able to sit, but the man in front of me has his legs open to the point that if he did have a VAG, i'd be able to see all the way up to his esophagus.

And WHY....

WHY are you reading the newspaper completely spread out like you're at the kitchen table??


THIS AIN'T YO HOUSE!

Display your masculinity somewhere else.
I just need to rest my feet.
Ta-Ding!

As I DO NOT LIKE it.

HOLY MACARONI!

People.... I have been busy.

I thought,
by not having a job anymore,
I would have lots of time to laze about and write
and think about nonsense.

NOPE. I was WRONG!

Updates:

Took a Patsy Rodenburg Voice class.
If you're an actor/actress with a brain in your head, you need to take it.
Stop making excuses.
Start saving the money for it.
Do it.
Go.

NOW.
This British woman has spunk. I like that.

Saw a bunch of plays/musicals:
AS YOU LIKE IT and THE TEMPEST at BAM with the Bridge Project.
HAMLET, that my friend Jon, was in.
NEXT TO NORMAL.
-------
Let me talk about NEXT TO NORMAL, first.
What is it about this show that makes people cry?
Is it because I'm not Caucasian?
Is it because I believe that singing through ALL of your emotions is tiring for me to watch?
PROBABLY!
There were people who gave it a STANDING O.
Really?????????????????

I have seen better musical acting and singing in my M.F.A. 3rd year Voice Class with people who claimed that they couldn't sing, but had beautiful voices and the need to tell a story.
HUMPH!

NEXT........

Hilarity should SLAP Sam Mendes on the bum.
No only were his two directorial BAM plays, BORING....But they were NOT funny.
There is no prescribed notion that either of those plays have to be hilarious or a barrel of laughs.
But they are comedies. And I did not find a single joke in there funny or amusing or at least enough to make me chuckle.
I was BORED to TEARS.At one point, I leaned on my friend's shoulder in the middle of the TEMPEST and said:
"There is no intermission. UGH!"

THAT IS A BAD SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Futhermore... when I am thinking about all the stuff that I have to do tomorrow instead of what's going on within the stage performance in front of me, because you're taking forever to say one line of text, THAT is a PROBLEM.

Too much thinking = an angry audience member
an angry audience member = me

Hahaha... did you miss me, people?
More to come...

Good scene for you.
A REALLY BAD BAD SCENE of a SHAKESPEARE ADAPTATION.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Tada.