contra/in- ception?

man #1:

i think ima get that thing where you can't get girls pregnant no more.

man #2:
a condom?

man #1:

nah man! a vasa-

man #2:
pullin' out?

man #1:

nah n-gga! a vassa-tommy.

man #2:
a what?

man #1:

yeah, my n-gga! a vassa-tommy. i can't deal anymore.

man #2:
i heard dat. But why?

man #1:

child support is fuckin' expensive.

man #2:
i gots 3 kids and i'm good. Gotta make that paper, boi!

man #1:

nah dude! You'll see. After #5, your *ss is broke!

FROM THIS STORY DID YOU GET THE FOLLOWING: ???

MAN #1 HAS 5 KIDS.

MAN #2 HAS 3 KIDS.

AND...

When I write MAN #1 and MAN #2, 

I really believe that these "MEN" were around 18 years old.

SCARY.

stop the yelling!!!

black woman with 3 kids:
MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO STOP CUSSIN' IN FRONT OF MY KIDS!!!

white man with glasses:

ummm... but you're cursing in front of them...

black woman with 3 kids:
I'M THEIR MOTHER! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!

indian woman with a kid:

can you stop yelling? and cursing?

black woman with 3 kids:
BITCH-- YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M A GOOD MOTHER.

indian woman with a kid:

no one said you weren't.

black woman with 3 kids:
OH.

(silence)

black woman with 3 kids:
WELL FUCK YA'LL THEN!

WTF?!?!

single life

 QUESTION:
 when did opinions become unsexy?!



 ANSWER:
ha! when hot bimbos have none.

WHY ME?!

Someone stole $1000 from me....

HSBC called me to tell me that they believed some fraudelent charges had occured with my account.

THEY WERE RIGHT!!!!

I would never take out $1000 from my account. 

From a Citibank, no less. Nor down on Canal Street.

What would I need $1000 for on Canal Street?

300 fake Kate Spade bags?

1666 drawing pencils from Pearl Paint?

400 dumplings from Chinatown?

On top of that, I am PO'.
I can't even afford the last two letters.
Why do these butt pirates think it's alright to steal from the PO???
ROBIN HOOD is famous for a reason!
NOT for d*ckin around, dumb*sses!

How do these motherF*ckers do it??
Either they are extremely smart or just LUCKY and either way... I hate them.

But seriously... Why me?

That's all I kept asking the universe.

I take it from the universe's silence that the answer is simply: 

IT HAPPENS TO ALMOST EVERYONE!

GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!

I hope there's a KARMA meter somewhere in the world. 

 Those *ss munchers who did this to me better have it coming to them in the end.

THANKS TO EVERYONE who sent me virtual hugs and love when I was sad.

To keep myself from crying too much about THE MONEY LOSS, 

I will remember this Cee Lo Green classic...

note to penis havers

dear men everywhere,

when i ask you out for a drink... that's all i want.
a drink. the two of us. maybe a conversation?
(or we could be silent and make silly faces.)
things i do not want: babies. blood. marriage.
don't hyperbolize the invite.

sincerely,
a woman who just likes alcohol

Body Pride #2

BOOM, B*TCH!!!!

IN YO FACE!!!

When I was at least 8 years old, my dad taught me how to defend myself against an attacker.

And it definitely involved AN ELBOW to the face.

Honestly... Elbows are some of the oddest things in the world.

And inevitably, I always end up staring at them.

Why??????
They're weird.

They bend.
There's extra skin.
And that extra skin folds up in a nasty, wrinkled, hairless cat sort of way.

When you hit them in just the right spot, it hurts like THE DICKENS.

Btw... what the HELL does that mean: "THE DICKENS"???
Did Charles Dickens do anything to offend anyone so much that when "THE DICKENS" happens, everyone thinks it's the worst thing? What did he do?


But honestly... Miss Havisham probably had some wrinkly elbows.


My mom always told me to not put them on the table when I was eating.
I listened.

As a Black woman, I constantly have to rub lotion on them, so I don't get the ugly GREY ASHY look.

Also, I noticed recently that I tend to wear my long sleeved sweaters rolled up past my elbows. What's that about?? I guess I'm proud of them.

Yeah... ELBOW.
Throwin' them bows, indeed, Luda. Thank you!

1am rhetorical questions

Why do you NOT answer my texts??


WHY is a very hard thing to answer, isn't it?


subquestions:
are they rude?
do they offend you?
do they suggest something to you other than what is written?

if the answer is NO to any or all of the subquestions, then next question is...

...Why do i consider you a friend?

Food for thought.

Body Pride

why are there people,

most specifically men,
who put up pictures of their 4-6-8 pack abs
all over Facebook/YouTube/Instagram/etc.???

i get it! you work out.

believe me, i'm proud of you.

But... Seriously?

Oh! you are serious.

Ok.
i'm gonna start putting up pictures of random parts of my body.
let's see how you like that.

1st up.

MY EAR.

Hot stuff, right???

Look at that lobe.

Oo!!!
And a piercing!!!

Look at the sloping of the concha.
And curvature of that helix.

If you're not turned on, I suggest you take a second look.
The anatomy of THE EAR is amazing.
You know you want this!

Keyser Söze knows Shakespeare??

Before things jump off:

SHOUTS OUT to the company that shall remain anonymous for giving me FREE tickets. For those who don't know me...

You say: "Feisty Actress... This hot dog is FREE!"

I say: "SHUTTUP! It's MINE."

Not only was I seated in the ORCHESTRA.
But I was CENTER ORCHESTRA.
And only about 6 rows away from the action.
My friend, LC and I had the best seats in the house!!!
BOOM!!!
AWESOME.

Okay... here we go...

RICHARD III

"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried."

Wait... Hold up!!!

Keyser Söze???

AHHH!!! Whatchu doin' here????

OH SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!

I say: Ooo Gurl... This gotta be good... Right??

You say: RIGHT!!!

3 hours and 1 intermission later....

WHAT THE EXPLETIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keyser Söze.

(shakin' my head)

Keyser.

(taking a moment.)

• Q1: WHY ARE YOU YELLING HALF OF YOUR LINES?????????????
• Q2: WHY ARE YOU MUMBLING THE OTHER HALF??????????????
• Q3: DO YOU REALIZE THAT PUTTING WEIGHT ON THE 'LIMP' LEG IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE??? WHY EVEN HAVE THE CANE???
• Q4: IF RICHARD HAS A HUMP and A LIMP and was BORN THIS WAY, DON'T YOU THINK HE WOULD'VE MASTERED HIS PHYSICALITY INSTEAD OF LOOKING LIKE HE WAS ABOUT TO TOLL THE BELLS OF THE CATHEDRAL??
• Q5: DID THE DIRECTOR JUST LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT???
  

Because... you just MASTURBATED all over that stage and I feel like a bit sticky.
And not the kind of SPEWY that makes you luxuriate in the "WOW! we just shared something." But it was the kind of SPUNK that makes you wanna shower and gargle and disinfect everything.

You know what... You get how I feel.
Let's talk about it in PERSON.

xxx

MTA. i hate you.

dear M116 bus,

you are the SLOWEST bus ever.
In fact, one could wait an hour, and you will will not show up.
what is the deal?

did I walk from lenox ave. to my apartment at 1.30am?

did a nice, though SKETCHY looking, Hispanic man on a bike ask me, in Spanish no less, if i needed someone to walk with me??
when i said "No, gracias" (aka the only Spanish I could muster in my sleepy state), did he still walk ahead of me?
And did I feel like I had a Dominican Kevin Costner??

M116 bus, you do NOT complete me.

regards,
me

HURRY my CANE!

Damn!!! This weekend was boring.

I painted my toes 4 times.

Yes, 4 times!

My 2 grandmothers combined could've caused more HYPE & destruction than this hurricane in NYC.

Mind you... I have North Carolina and the Bahamas in my thoughts. They were slammed and do not wish their fate on NYC.

But...

I do have a few things to say about this whole weeekend.

F. U. Irene.

F. U. MTA for not being gangsta enough! I had places to be.

F.U. Weather.com and Weather Channel in extension.

You scared all of us into a stupor!

F.U. crazy Upper East Siders!!

You all made supermarkets unapproachable with your organic food needs. Seriously?? You need 3 boxes of organic juice during a possible crisis??

F.U. television.

(I don't even have cable, and yet I know that t

here was nothing on TV.)

F.U. everyone who kept saying on Facebook

that we were all gonna die.

Honestly... if we're all gonna die, the last thing I want to read

on my social network is your call of distress.

F.U. Religionists.

(do you want me to go there? 'cuz I will... nah! you don't want it.)

Have a nice day!

~Feisty

Support???

YO, BITCHES!

Please support this show & Sanguine Theatre Company!

(I'm in it. BOOM!)

Even a $1 would be appreciated.

Click this to donate: KICKSTARTER

Thank you so much!!!

Even if you can't donate... come see this show in August.

~Feisty Actress

Summer Fashion?? Summer Trashin??

OMG! the temperature has reached 70 degrees and more in city.

( insert lackluster display of emotion.)

DUH! this is what happens in the SUMMER.

Get over it!

It gets HOT in NYC and it gets Humid.

Don't like it??

MOVE!

But unlike most years, in Summer 2011 a plethora of species came out of the woodwork

who had been in hiberation, like bears in their dens.

Take out your binoculars, folks!

See if you're standing, sitting, talking to one of these beauties.

The No Bra Beetles

BEHOLD!!!!!!!

You have decided that the heat that 1 piece of clothing offers is TOO much.

You are just gonna rock out with your nips out.

Seriously... your protrusions are distracting and unnecessary

when I'm walking around doing my grocery shopping.

This is not even the FROZEN section!!!!

They are out and about like it's 20 degrees.

Big boobs. Little boobs.

WEAR SOMETHING!!!

I seriously doubt that THAT piece of clothing is making you sweat more.

On top of that, you are FLOPPING around, and not in a cute way.

Don't you want some support?

Even if you have pert and perky boobs, I'm trying to figure out if they're fake or real.

There are far too many inventions in the lingerie world for you to not wear something.

Funky Frumps

Do you not wear DEO for a reason?

Did you forget to reapply 5 hours later?

Have you been rolling around in dirt, stinky cheese, curry and onions?

WTF!!!!!

You are offending my senses.

My eyes are watering from your smell. That's how bad it is.

I can't think.

All I'm thinking about is vomitting or running for my life.

Especially on the train.

HAVE SOME COMMON DECENCY!!

We're all cramped and pushed up on one another and then you gotta stink??

If you are homeless, I get it.

The heat mixed with your lack of water and soap equals stench.

But if you are not a homeless, WHAT is your EXCUSE???

Are you trying to attract a Goblin?

OhHellNaws

Somethings are best left on a magazine or model.

Even Nikki Minaj can't pull off this "outfit" on that cover.

She looks a HOT MESS!

Ladies, if you can't fit into a bandeau... don't wear it.

If you have more rolls than a bakery...

don't put them in some shorts and on the street for all to peruse your wares.

Too much CELLULITE on the street blinds me

from the red and green lights that I should be paying attention to,

so that I don't get hit by a bus.

Attack of the Sockfoot Sandal

why???

WHY???

WHY??????

Are your feet that jacked up, gentlemen?

Got some serious hangnails???

Please STOP doing this!!!!!!

It is not attractive.

Look! I know, I know!

Dior says that socks with heeled sandals are Fashionable now.

But THIS is NOT a Dior look that I'm talkin' about.

Yo Adidas flat sandals and yo Marshalls ankle socks are NOT cool.

And aren't yo feet hot???

train characters - 2 fold.

While sitting on the 6 train, I have realized that there are many interesting people on this train. I used to complain about UPPER EAST SIDE people being too bougy for even me.

But then I saw this. ----------------->

please note my sneaky photo skills. i'm getting better with practice.

BROTHA!! Really???

What's up with the bike jammed between yo legs??

Is it yours?

It's a bit small, yes?

And... wait... what is that on your right???

Those of you who are staring at the photo can probably notice the little head on the lower left.....

GIRL!!!

( wake up)

Are you that tired???

I guess so!

Cuz you are KNOCKED the F out.

The homeless man who screams really loudly about needed a warm dinner for his 4 children came and went.

The horrible saxophone player came on and played "The Saints Come Marching In".

And 2 groups of girls talking about how "brothas be trippin' and sweatin' my @ss" got on and off circa 103rd street.

And you did NOT wake up.

And let's talk about the obvious litter on the floor in front of your sleeping body??

Could your dad, who I assume is the person who you're sleeping near, not pick up that piece of trash because of your bike between his legs? Or just pure laziness prevented him or YOU from doing basic duties as a person in this city??

ALSO.... you are taking up at least 3 people's seats!!!!!!!!

That's just RUDE.

UGH UGH UGH!!!

Aren't you hot??

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The MTA gods say: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.

Look at exhibit A in the picture above.

Let's talk about FASHION.

Let's talk about how it's been 80 degrees for the past 2 days.

Let's talk about how the 6 train may be air conditioned

but I've never seen so many people stay away from sitting next to one person.

Let's talk about who framed Roger Rabbit.

Enough said.

~Feisty

Can you hear yourself???

NO REALLY!?!?!

Can you hear yourself??

I only ask you because I can't hear you at all.

No really, I can't.

Who am I?

Hello! I'm your audience.

Yes, seat 14D. (waving & smiles)

Yes, yes. Nice to meet you.

I've paid at least $15 to see you... sometimes even $120, if I felt like a "baller".

So with that in mind, I am also wondering a few things:

1. Do you know that your vocal power range is as powerful as a limp dick?

2. Why did I come to this play if I can't hear a damn thing?

3. Perhaps I should've gone to the ballet.

4. Why are you an actor if your goal in the production is to be as useless as a wet mop in a river?

5. Do you realize that your intentions seem just as weak as your words?

6. How am I to believe you if I can't hear you?

7. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does anyone give a sh*t?

God!!! it's so infuriating to go to a play or be a part of one, and NOT hear a word an actor says.

The playwright wrote words, not emotional states to be posed alongside the harpsichord.

Get a vocal coach.

Get a shrink.

Get a grip.

And get on with it.

I don't care about your ego. Say the effin' words!!! They were written to be heard.

BTW... being casual as an actor is just as lazy as the missionary position.

I'd rather be slapped by a parrot.

At least he'd say "POLLY WANNA A SLAP!" with some gusto.

Tttah...dddah...ppppah...bbbbah... ffffa..uck you for not doing this sooner.

Birthday Rap: Christiana edition!

<prologue>

hey mista mista, whatchu doin' there?

wanna create a rise with what's left of yo hair?

wanna make yo body scream: "More sugar, please?"

Wanna make tall ass giraffes go weak in the knees?

call my name out in ya sleep!

i ain't no Bo Peep, dumb sheep!

Chris-Ti-ana!

Chris-Ti-ana!

Whatcha gonna do wit yo birthday CAKE?

Chris-Ti-ana!

Christ-Ti-ana!

Rub it on yo face and charm a fucking snake!

Yo bitch! Wanna try to harmonize on top of dis? (dis dis dis)

Don't think so, cuz I got the pipes that make me "Da shit!" (Hell yeah)

that's right, Texan Amazonian Diva of the opera world

dancing round yo diaphragm, with these hips, bout to do a swirl (swirl)

you think you got what it takes?

(yeah)

well then step up to the plate.

(oh!)

What? You gonna be a flake! (Huh?)

You better up the stakes!

Chris-Ti-ana!

Chris-Ti-ana!

Whatcha gonna do wit yo birthday CAKE?

Chris-Ti-ana!

Christ-Ti-ana!

Rub it on yo face and charm a fucking snake!

Laura Bell Bundy!

Can you belt this, Bitch?

Maria fucking Callas!

No, you ain't the Shit!

Pavarotti, Bad Cannoli!

Can you go that high?

Can you reach the skies?

If you do, you die!

Chris-Ti-ana! (yes)

Chris-Ti-ana! (what?)

Whatcha gonna do wit yo birthday CAKE? (eat it)

Chris-Ti-ana! (what?)

Christ-Ti-ana! (yeah)

Rub it on yo face and charm a fucking snake! (hiss.....)

hiss..........

hiss Hiss. hiss...

hiss Hiss. hiss...

hiss Hiss. hiss..

WHAT?!?!

--the end--

Crossing The Street: A tale told through sensory observations and actions

(singing to myself: Adele song- Daydreamer... loudly singing to myself...)

(walking across 2nd ave. on 118th street...swagger in my step...)

(sounds of children yelling to each other behind me...)

(shrug)
(still walking across 2nd ave. on 118th street, almost at the sidewalk...)

(VERY NEAR and LOUD sounds of children yelling to each other...)

(Children running past me...)

(2 male/female children knocking me with shoulders as they pass...)

(falling down sequence from the HARD knock: left knee, hands, butt)
(sounds of children yelling to each other in front of me... not turning around to see the damage or to say "sorry"...)

(hard cement bump on butt pain, while in the right lane of 2nd ave...)

(walking to sidewalk, rubbing bum...)

(man in car in right lane of 2nd ave.: "Are you alright?! Do you need anything?!"

(ignoring the man...)
(pulling up leggings to assess damage done to knee...)

(profuse amounts of blood streaming down leg... instantly feeling copious amounts of knee pain...)

(put legging pant leg down... walk/limp away from scene of the crime/assault...)

(singing to myself: Jay-Z song- I got 99 problems...)

Birthday Song for a Friend

<Chorus>
What time is it?
It's Amanda Time.
What day is it?
It's her day to shine.
What can we do?
Throw a party, fool!
What should we bring?
Bring your A Game. (True!)


Don't got any money for a present for you
But I have funky rhyme, and most of it is true
If I made you a sweater
with all the vowels and all the letters
in the alphabet
Would you ever wear it????
Sh*t!
I wouldn't.
But that's besides the point
You're older today
and I'm glad to be your friend in every single way
DISH IT, bitch!
I'm ready.
What you say there, gurl?
Hey Gurl Hey! You own this motherf*ckin' world.

<Chorus>
What time is it?
It's Amanda Time.
What day is it?
It's her day to shine.
What can we do?
Throw a party, fool!
What should we bring?
Bring your A Game. (True!)


Whatchu say, ho?
Whatever!
I'm a blonde bombshell.
Got brains and boobs
Yea, I'm fine as Hell
Red HOT
Hot as Hades
Burn your thoughts for even thinking my name
Scorch your ego with my fly ass frame
This ain't a game!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote/Thought

Joseph Campbell said,

"Find a place inside where there's joy,

and the joy will burn out the pain."

Read more here.


I have been thinking... Surprising! I know.
Being worried about everything hasn't really worked out so far.
Being diligent has.
Missing people who quite obviously don't miss me also hasn't worked.
Loving those who reciprocate without thinking or impetus has.
I love acting.
I love plays.
I'm done being a slave to my own heart and mind.
It's time to be the master.
Let's see how it goes.